I've been wavering on posting this update at all, but I went into this with the promise that I'd be honest about our journey, whether it was good, bad, or ugly. Backing out or holding out now just because the truth is uncomfortable feels a little cowardly. So... here goes.
SS and I had our fertility consult this afternoon. I'll start by saying that I really liked our doctor and the staff. He was honest with us from the beginning, which I appreciate. We've never kidded ourselves into believing becoming parents would be easy for us, and we don't want a doctor who will do so either. False hope and promises aren't helpful. The RE didn't give us that.
First thing, he took us back to his office to review our history and the SA results. Like my doctor, he told me right away that there were obvious concerns. First, my neuro medications would have to go because they aren't safe during pregnancy. Second, my medical history isn't something to brush off or sneeze at. These are both concerns that have to be taken into consideration, which we knew.
With that out in the open, we took a look at the SA results for SS. As mentioned previously, SS was seriously ill through most of the last year. He almost died, and he's been on some pretty heavy duty medication which caused problems of their own (like a reaction that almost killed him, renal failure, problems with his liver function, etc). Unfortunately, it looks like the medications may have also caused some fertility problems. A normal sperm count is above 20 million per milliliter. SS's was less than one million per millileter. Additionally, his sperm motility and morphology were much lower than normal.
Right away, this eliminated many of our treatment options. Because the count is so low, the RE felt that IVF would be our only option to become pregnant. That said, because SS has been on these medications, he wants to redo the SA in a few months to see if there is any change. I need to stop here and say we were blessed to be paired with this RE, as he's actually led studies into the effects of similar medications on male fertility. He called a colleague while we were in his office for a second opinion, and his colleague agreed that we need to redo the SA.
Unfortunately, unless the SA is significantly different, our treatment options are still severely reduced. This isn't SS's fault in any way. We knew going in to this that there was a possibility the long term complications from his illness might not be confined to his respiratory system alone. I think I was more prepared for that news that SS was. He's had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that his illness has changed his life in a lot of ways. Finding out today the extent to which his life has changed was difficult.
Because of my history, the RE then decided he wanted to do some testing on me to see what challenges we face where I'm concerned before we went any further. As expected, my ovaries are riddled with cysts, but none of them are abnormally large, which means no surgery in that regard.
I wasn't expecting to hear what came next.
My uterus is really small and the lining is exceedingly thin. To the point where he ordered an entire battery of tests to find out exactly what's going on there. There's a possibility this is a congenital defect. There's a possibility it's an estrogen deficiency. There are several other possible causes as well. Regardless of the cause, this puts us at a higher risk of miscarriage and preterm birth. Since I've already had a miscarriage and my sister has been unable to carry to term, the risk is even higher. Uncomfortably so. It's also more indicative of a congenital defect.
But because we don't know for sure, the RE sent me to the lab to have a million vials of blood drawn. He also had some concerns about what obstacles my medical history and treatment have caused, so he's doing a slew of tests to look at/for various other things. Once the results from those begin start coming in, he wants me to have an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) so he can take a better look at my uterus and check for blockages, fibroids, and any other issues.
So... we're waiting for more results which may change things some, but at this point, it looks like we've run out of options to conceive and carry our own child. If we decide to go forth with IVF, the risk of another miscarriage or a preterm birth is high. I've said from day one that my biggest fear isn't finding out that we can't get pregnant. My biggest fear has always been that we'll have future miscarriages or preterm births. Having been through one miscarriage myself and three preterm births with my sister, I know there is nothing more devastating than losing a baby you've desperately wanted, or watching your baby fight for his or her life from day one. I also know how hard a preterm birth is on the baby. The consequences are devastating, and many are permanently debilitating. Right now, I cannot imagine taking that risk for my child. Nor can SS.
Obviously, we're not making any final decisions until all results are in and we've had some time to process and think things through, but unless the risk is reduced significantly as test results roll in, we will not be seeking further treatment. We will, of course, look into adoption if that is the case. But after nine years, our conception journey is most likely at an end.
That's overwhelming on so many levels.
We went in today knowing there were obstacles and pregnancy might not be an option, but we were so hopeful there would be some treatment options left on the table. Coming to terms with the fact that getting pregnant and carrying to term may be improbable if not altogether impossible is going to take some time. We've both wanted to have children and go through the whole pregnancy experience for so long. This new reality isn't a comfortable one for either of us. And accepting it isn't going to be particularly comfortable either.
But we now know where we stand. And we can decide where we go from here. Once we know, we'll share that as well. For now, however, I think it's time to take a step back and breathe. We've been hit from all sides these last few weeks, and we're both exhausted.
Thank you for all the prayers.
xoxo,
Ayden
PS: Boo struggled with surgery yesterday, which confirmed the vet's opinion that she's not a candidate for surgery or chemo to treat the cancer. She is doing well now, but she really struggled hard yesterday. The vet is undecided if he'll do the next surgery or not as a result.
Ali did great with his surgery. Unfortunately he does have feline leukemia. What that will mean for him going forward will depend on how he handles the disease, but more than likely, his life span has been severely reduced.
