I think I love my doctor: Appointment and Ali news.

Having a doctor you trust is so important, whether you're ill, trying to conceive, or just have questions and concerns. I'm fortunate in that my PCP is amazing. He's very attentive. He spends time chatting with me. He gives me a say when deciding on treatment. And he listens.

Anytime I've gone to see him, he's let me explain what's wrong and why I think it's wrong. He's learned that, more often than not, I'm right. I knew when I dislocated my hip. I knew when we needed to adjust my meds. I knew what happened to cause a problem with my foot. And I know what the hell I'm talking about when I say that SS and I need to see the RE for infertility testing and treatment.

When he came into the room this morning, the first thing my doctor said was, "The first thing I'm going to do is order a semen analysis for your husband. 50% of the time, infertility is caused by problems with the man. It's easier and cheaper to test him first and then start testing you."

I wanted to throw my arms around his neck and kiss him soundly for not being an idiot. I knew he wouldn't be, but it was a huge relief to have him confirm what we tried to tell SS's doctor a few weeks ago. Infertility is NOT “mostly a woman’s problem”.  I’m glad my doctor knows that. I really am.

So... we chatted about the REs in the area, and he recommended one that he thinks I’ll like. He sent over the referral for the SA and wants me to set up my appointment at the same time so we can get the ball rolling.

And then we talked about all the issues we're going to be facing. Like my medications. We're definitely going to have to change or stop them altogether before I get pregnant because the risk of harm is too high for either of us to be comfortable with me continuing them while pregnant. We discussed what that’s going to mean for me, and how closely I’ll have to be monitored to make sure the neuro issues stay under control.

But he didn't tell me that, no, I can't try to get pregnant in whichever way I feel is best for me. He told me that he understands what infertility is like because his wife had eight miscarriages while they were trying to conceive, and he would never dream of telling me I can’t try when SS and I are clearly ready to be parents and aren’t going into this blind.

I wanted to cry when he said that. Every other doctor has told me no, I can't do IVF. Or no, I can't do this. Or no, I can't try that. I’ve heard a lot of No’s in the last nine years.

Today, I didn't hear a single one. He told me the decision was up to me, SS, and the RE, and that he'd support it. He'll let me come off my migraine medications while we're trying to conceive. And he'll let me and SS decide what sort of treatment we think is best. And he'll do what he can to help us.

So the plan is for us to talk with the RE to do all the testing. Once we know what we’re facing and what our treatment options are, my doctor will begin weaning me off my medication and will monitor to make sure that things are going well on that front.

He didn’t veto IVF either. He said if we decide that’s an option we want to pursue, we’ll have another talk then about what that’s going to mean for us and whether or not I can handle it safely.

As I mentioned previously, SS and I are pretty certain we don't want to do IVF. At least not at the clinic here. The success rate is simply too low and the risk is too high. But if we do decide we want to give it a try, it’s nice to know that he’s willing to discuss it further.

I went in terrified of being told no today, because that’s all we’ve been told for so long.
 
I cannot even begin to describe how much peace of mind my doctor gave me today. It feels so good to know that he trusts me to know what is best for me, and will support my choices. It feels so good to know that we weren't told no today. It feels so good to know that we're finally making progress after all these years. And it feels so good to know that my doctor is willing to advocate, not only for me, but for SS too. Even if that means telling SS's doctor what's what.

I know we haven't won the war. We aren't pregnant yet. We may not be able to get pregnant at all. But I feel like we did win a battle today. And that feels pretty freaking awesome.

So does the fact that I'm about 95% certain that I've ovulated this cycle! :)

And for those wondering… Ali went to the vet today. He fixed up Ali's war wounds, but the vet is concerned he may have an immune disorder because he gets such bad infections so fast. This is the second time since November that he’s been fine one day, and had a blood infection the next. Despite having a very obvious infection, his temp was about 5 degrees below normal, which isn't a great thing. So, he gave him two big shots today and is going to do some tests on him when he’s sedated for surgery on the 24^th. He wanted to do some testing today, but Ali wasn't having it. Vet just decided to wait until the 24th instead of sedating him today too. I’m worried about the poor guy. I say he’s a jerk (because he is), but he’s my little jerk, and I love him. I am praying the vet is concerned over nothing and he’s just fine. But until we know for sure… I will worry.

xoxo,
Ayden

I did the "girl" thing today.

I've had an interesting night. But before I get to that, you're going to need a little back story.

SS and I are huge animal lovers, and neither of us can stand to see an animal suffering. So we've rescued more than a few animals during our relationship. We have a twelve year old terrier, Boo, who we adopted from my grandma when Boo decided her shoes were great chew toys.

Six years ago, Boo had a litter of one. No one even knew she was pregnant. We found her hiding in the closet one day, and lo and behold, there was this tiny little puppy. I couldn't imagine taking her baby away from her, so we decided to keep the puppy. Her name is Razi. She's part terrier, part Chihuahua, and is just this tiny little ball of fur.

Boo thinks she's the boss. No one tells her what to do. As she's gotten older, she's only gotten bossier. She's starting to go blind now, so she's pretty anal about things. No one is allowed to touch her stuff or go into her corner. No one is allowed to eat her food. Or do anything she doesn't want them to do without her flipping out. She's like a little old lady with a shotgun. Anyone goes near her stuff, she's coming out in rollers, shotgun in hand, and isn't asking questions.

Two years ago, we rescued a little kitten who was living outside my sister's house. SS never owned a cat before, and was adamant we weren't getting one, but quickly changed his mind when my sweet little nephew, Losh, mastered his fear of touching animals to pet the kitten. Ali came home with us that night. We thought Ali was a girl, so we gave him a girl name, only to find out that he wasn't a girl.

Ali is... well, Ali is a jerk. I love him to death, but he really is a jerk. He was supposed to be my cat, but he likes SS better than me because I won't let him do crap he thinks he's entitled to do... like whore around the neighborhood. Everyone says cats aren't really vindictive, but they haven't met Ali. If I won't let him go outside when he wants, he will try to pee in my sink or on me. If I try to move him out of my way, he'll bite me. Or randomly run across the floor to slap me. He loves to wait until about 2am, then stick his paws under my bedroom door and shake the ever living crap out of it.

Because he's a jerk, him and Boo don't get along. She doesn't have time for all of that. He's learned to stay away from her crap.

Last May, my sister rescued a Border Collie from the side of the road. He was sickly and so sweet... she'd just adopted a dog from the pound, and SS and I were looking for a big dog, so we decided to take him. The plan was for him to be SS's dog, but for me to feel a little safer by myself when SS isn't home. Well, Odin and I instantly clicked. He's "my" dog, and he takes that very seriously. If he doesn't like you, you aren't getting close to me. If he doesn't think I like you, you definitely aren't getting close to me. He's also a monumental baby. And I do mean that. He loves to try to cuddle up in my lap as if he doesn't weigh 65 pounds. He sleeps right beside me. He gives hugs all day long. He also flips out if I'm out of his sight for more than a minute or two. I've come to terms with the fact that the dog is going to go to the bathroom with me whether I want him to or not. I gave up trying to shoo him out a few months after we got him and have taught him the word "privacy" which in guard dog speak apparently means "If I can't see her, she can't see me, so I'mma turn around and lay right here in the doorway." Yeah... we're still working on it.

He gets bent out of shape if he loves you and you don't love him. So him and Boo have issues. But him and Ali are best buddies. And he and Razi are pretty cool too, unless he's pissed Boo off, at which point Razi flips out too. This has been the dynamic in our house since last May. We have Odin the big, goofy loveable dog. We have the jerky cat. We have Boo the cranky old lady. And we have Razi, who just doesn't give a shit unless you mess with her mama.

Well, a few weeks ago, a beautiful kitten appeared outside, shivering and hungry and miserable. It was freezing cold out, so I tried to lure her to me. SS opened the door and she bolted when the dogs came barreling out. Anyway, when she came back the next evening, SS told me she was out there, so I went out, determined to capture her. It took me about 10 minutes, before she finally came to me and let me pick her up. Obviously not feral, but she'd definitely been living on the streets for a while. We brought her in. I intended to feed her and keep her only until it warmed up outside. She was inside a whole five minutes before SS decided we were going to keep her. He named her Circuit.

Well, Boo doesn't like Circuit. Odin and Razi want to play with Circuit, and get upset when she won't play with them. Ali likes Circuit half the time, and the other half, he wants to fight her. Circuit doesn't like any of them at this point. She's getting better with the dogs, which Razi and Odin have taken to mean she wants to love them... and then they both get all upset when they realize she doesn't actually love them yet. So when she hisses, they bark, which sets Boo off. It's madness.

A few days ago, Circuit and Ali got into a fight. They were perfectly fine, cuddled up in a chair together, and then all hell broke loose. Circuit sank her teeth into Ali. Ali dragged her across the floor by her collar. Fur was flying! We promptly decided to keep them separated until Ali gets neutered later this month. So, we keep her in the house during the day and let him relax in the sun room. Then at night, she sleeps in the bedroom with SS (yes, we have our own bedrooms... and yes, we're still happily married), and we let Ali run wild in the rest of the house. We've been keeping Ali's battle wound clean. It looked fine until tonight. I went to pick him up and noticed blood on the side of his face. The wound is infected and looks pretty gnarly. So, we cleaned him up and I have to run him to the vet tomorrow for another antibiotic shot to match the one he had in November after he got out and got in a fight with something... which is why he's getting his boys nipped this month. He's never sprayed, but he thinks he's a gang banger and has recently decided that means fighting any and everything.

Anyway, the point of this incredibly long story is that, I have an appointment tomorrow morning with my doctor to discuss our infertility woes and I'm nervous. I'm praying he gives us the green light, and I'm also scared he won't because of the brain lesion and because that'll mean changing my neuro medications and we just got the migraines under control again. After everything we've been through, I really just want good news tomorrow, and I'm afraid that won't happen.

So, of course, when I saw Ali's wound had become infected, I freaked out because I'm a girl and that's what we do. We freak out about things that aren't even related because in our minds, those unrelated things are irrefutable proof that we're going to be terrible mothers. Why? Because that's what girls do.

I literally did the whole my baby is hurt, and I feel like a terrible mama because of it. And how are we supposed to be good parents if we can't even keep our cat healthy? And how do I plan to keep the cats away from a baby if I can't even keep the cats from killing each other for a couple of weeks? And I'm sure by the time I finished having a freaking cow, SS was ready to strangle me. But he didn't. Because he knows how convoluted things become in my mind when I'm stressed out.

The really funny thing about all of this is that if anyone can handle a crisis... I can. While everyone else is panicking, I'm the one swooping in to save the day, whether it's getting my sister to the hospital when she went into labor at 25 weeks, or changing my nephew's trach on the side of the highway while the cop stands by to keep us from being run over, or someone is bleeding profusely or whatever... I have it all under control. But let me think too long, and I will have destroyed an entire kingdom with a simple broken shoe in my head in about 2.5 seconds. Because that's what I do. I worry and stress and think about every possible thing that could go wrong. Especially when it matters. And tomorrow matters, so I had a meltdown tonight over something completely unrelated. Stupid, I know. And I'm sure SS agrees. But he didn't say anything.

He just let me have my little freak out, like he always does. Because he knows me. And he knows that, as soon as I'm done with my little panic attack, I'm going to suck it up and do what needs to be done to get us from Point A to Point B. And I'm going to throw myself into it with my whole heart, because that's also who I am. I don't do things halfway. I put everything into it, and I worry and stress and want everything to be perfect because it's important to me.

Because I've been a mama for as long as I can remember, even if I don't have kids of my own. I take care of people and animals and things and I'm damn good at it.

And that made me realize how lucky I am to have SS. Because while I'm taking care of everyone else, he's taking care of me. He may be messy and sleep through his alarm every morning. Or forget to get the one thing I sent him to the store for every time he goes... but he never tells me I'm being a crazy person even when I'm obviously being a crazy person. He's patient and kind and calm and he knows what I need before I know what I need. I can put my whole heart into things because I know he's going to be there to catch me if  I fall or fail. And that's why I know he's going to be such an amazing father. Just like he is an uncle. And a husband. And a friend. Because he's just that incredible kind of guy.

I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow. I'm still nervous. I'm still worried. I still want to throw up. I will feel that way until all is said and done. Because that's who I am. But I'm not freaking out anymore. I have SS to thank for that. 

xoxo,

Ayden

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

I'm warning you this post is for the sake of rambling about stuff that is currently on my mind lol.

Let the ovulation testing commence!! AF has left the building and hopefully within the next week I will know about how my ovulation is going to work. Then BD! I know its most likely going to take more than one month, and I'm perfectly ok with that. I just am glad I can finally get this moving. I have to remind myself if not this month then there's always next month.

The money factor is being fixed very quickly, and I'm breathing sighs of relief left and right. I'm trying to not get my hopes up too high, but I honestly think this is my year to become a mommy. It just feels right. DD is still being possibly the best partner in crime I could've asked for. I'm so pleased with him as my choice. My grades are good, I'm making a list of job prospects because I will have a car in just over a week (weather permitting the search of course), and then I can breathe even more freely. I'm so thankful that everything seems to be falling into place for me. I'm just as thankful that its falling into place for my girlie. I think I'm as excited for her to be a mom as I am for myself to be one.

For me the only thing left to weigh is childcare. I don't necessarily trust anyone with the care of my future child, but for the sake of the single mom thing I'm going to have to come to a decision on it. My choices will be hire a babysitter to care for my child in my home, or trust a daycare. If a daycare is a good one, it can be a great way for children to be socialized and start learning when you can't be there. If they aren't good, well, you know the horror stories. On that same note, babysitters with no supervision could also be a nightmare. I'm almost certain that scares me more that there would be no witnesses if something went wrong. If I got lucky to find someone I trusted it would of course seem more logical to pay a young person a little money to help me out and in turn help them build a resume, then to pay a few hundred a week to strangers who may or may not have had background checks that I feel give enough information. At least this way I'm in control of that.

Oy see, I'm already a mom and I'm not even knocked up yet! I just wanted to get that thought process out there. If you choose to be a single mom you have to get over your dreams of staying home with your little lovely, at least until you can work from home or own your own business complete with on site daycare. That is of course my ultimate goal and wish, but for now I'm going to have to weigh the afore mentioned options. I am quite happy that this is my biggest stresser right now, seeing as how its probably about a year or more away from being an immediate factor. I know I have time to make decisions like that, its honestly kinda fun for it to be something I'm actually looking into and doing research on. I'm very much looking forward to this. First thing is first, gotta get that BFP!

Talking Babies with Babies

I've very close to my younger sister's three kiddos. We all lived together for years when her youngest boy, Losh, was born. He was premature (all three of her kids were) and has severe medical problems. He has a trach and a feeding tube. Until the last couple of years, he was on a ventilator. He spent most of his first several years in the hospital. He's had 23 surgeries and has overcome so many obstacles. More than that though, he's just this amazing little boy with a big heart. He loves everyone and hasn't met a person yet who didn't fall in love with him, too.

Whenever possible, I try to bring him, his older brother or little sister over for the weekend. They love coming to my house, and SS and I love having them here. We have so much fun, and it's just beautiful to have childish laughter filling the house for a few days.

This time, it was Aloshua's turn to come spend the weekend. He's been so excited since I told him I'd come and get him for the weekend. When I got there Friday to get him, he had his bags packed and waiting for me at the front door. He finally learned to talk when he was six, and he's rarely ever quiet. He just chatters away all day, every day.

On the way home, he told me he was going to have 100 kids and drive 10 school buses to take them wherever they wanted to go. He also plans to let them name themselves. He's developmentally delayed and doesn't really understand how babies are made or how much work 100 kids would be, but whatever. He's happy at the thought of having 100 babies, so I played along.

During this discussion, he paused for a moment and asked why I didn't have any kids. Before I could figure out a way to tell him that SS and I haven't been able to have kids, but we are trying, he said, "I know! You have me and Abby and Kai, right?"

That made me smile because a couple of weeks ago, his little sister said the same thing when I asked her if it was okay if me and SS had a baby. She's a total diva and was pretty dang upset when my older sister had her baby in November of 2012. She refused to let me call Rose a princess because that's what I call her. So Rose is the Flower Child, and Abby is the princess. She's also very much SS's little partner in crime. She just loves him to death and he's crazy about her. With that being the case, I figured I should probably give her time to get used to the fact that SS and I want to have a baby. Surprisingly, she was okay with it... until I asked her if she wanted a boy or girl cousin, anyway. She thought about it, then said, "Neither. You have an Abby, a Losh, and a Kai already!"

I love how innocent they are and how they just know they're our kids too. It's sweet to know you're that important to a tiny person. Kai is only nine months older than Losh, but he understands much more than Losh. He and I are also really close. He's been my partner in crime since he was born. I was the first person he laughed for. He's also sensitive like I was when I was a kid, so we just meshed right away. 

When I let him know SS and I wanted to have a baby, he had two question. Would he have to change diapers. And could he still come and spend the night. Of course I said no to the first and yes to the second. The kid has never changed a diaper in his life, and there's no way I'd banish them from coming over when we have kids of our own, because they are such an important part of our lives.

We don't have bio kids, but we do have these amazing nieces and nephews we've been fortunate to spend time with since they were born. In reality, I have no idea how they will feel when SS and I have kiddos of our own, but it's such a great feeling to know they're not opposed to the idea. It's an even greater feeling to know that they don't question whether they're important to us or not. To them, we don't have babies of our own because we have them and that's basically the same thing.

I love that they feel that way. I really do. God knows, having them around has made infertility more tolerable. It's still devastating, but knowing I've been able to make a difference for a few very special kiddos and have been such an important part of their lives is a beautiful thing.

Everyone keeps asking if we're nervous at all about having babies. I'm not nervous. I'm scared of having a miscarriage, or of going into labor prematurely, but as far as having kids? I'm not nervous at all, and SS isn't particularly nervous either. We are ready in every sense of the word. Hanging out with Abby, Losh, and Kai the past few weeks has reconfirmed that in such a lovely way.

Despite this long, crazy journey, I don't think I've ever been more ready to have a baby than I am right now. That is so exciting to me!

xoxo,
Ayden