The Uncomfortable Truth: Consult Results

I've been wavering on posting this update at all, but I went into this with the promise that I'd be honest about our journey, whether it was good, bad, or ugly. Backing out or holding out now just because the truth is uncomfortable feels a little cowardly. So... here goes.

SS and I had our fertility consult this afternoon. I'll start by saying that I really liked our doctor and the staff. He was honest with us from the beginning, which I appreciate. We've never kidded ourselves into believing becoming parents would be easy for us, and we don't want a doctor who will do so either. False hope and promises aren't helpful. The RE didn't give us that.

First thing, he took us back to his office to review our history and the SA results. Like my doctor, he told me right away that there were obvious concerns. First, my neuro medications would have to go because they aren't safe during pregnancy. Second, my medical history isn't something to brush off or sneeze at. These are both concerns that have to be taken into consideration, which we knew.

With that out in the open, we took a look at the SA results for SS. As mentioned previously, SS was seriously ill through most of the last year. He almost died, and he's been on some pretty heavy duty medication which caused problems of their own (like a reaction that almost killed him, renal failure, problems with his liver function, etc). Unfortunately, it looks like the medications may have also caused some fertility problems. A normal sperm count is above 20 million per milliliter. SS's was less than one million per millileter. Additionally, his sperm motility and morphology were much lower than normal.

Right away, this eliminated many of our treatment options. Because the count is so low, the RE felt that IVF would be our only option to become pregnant. That said, because SS has been on these medications, he wants to redo the SA in a few months to see if there is any change. I need to stop here and say we were blessed to be paired with this RE, as he's actually led studies into the effects of similar medications on male fertility. He called a colleague while we were in his office for a second opinion, and his colleague agreed that we need to redo the SA.

Unfortunately, unless the SA is significantly different, our treatment options are still severely reduced. This isn't SS's fault in any way. We knew going in to this that there was a possibility the long term complications from his illness might not be confined to his respiratory system alone. I think I was more prepared for that news that SS was. He's had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that his illness has changed his life in a lot of ways. Finding out today the extent to which his life has changed was difficult.

Because of my history, the RE then decided he wanted to do some testing on me to see what challenges we face where I'm concerned before we went any further. As expected, my ovaries are riddled with cysts, but none of them are abnormally large, which means no surgery in that regard.

I wasn't expecting to hear what came next.

My uterus is  really small and the lining is exceedingly thin. To the point where he ordered an entire battery of tests to find out exactly what's going on there. There's a possibility this is a congenital defect. There's a possibility it's an estrogen deficiency. There are several other possible causes as well. Regardless of the cause, this puts us at a higher risk of miscarriage and preterm birth. Since I've already had a miscarriage and my sister has been unable to carry to term, the risk is even higher. Uncomfortably so. It's also more indicative of a congenital defect.

But because we don't know for sure, the RE sent me to the lab to have a million vials of blood drawn. He also had some concerns about what obstacles my medical history and treatment have caused, so he's doing a slew of tests to look at/for various other things. Once the results from those begin start coming in, he wants me to have an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) so he can take a better look at my uterus and check for blockages, fibroids, and any other issues.

So... we're waiting for more results which may change things some, but at this point, it looks like we've run out of options to conceive and carry our own child. If we decide to go forth with IVF, the risk of another miscarriage or a preterm birth is high. I've said from day one that my biggest fear isn't finding out that we can't get pregnant. My biggest fear has always been that we'll have future miscarriages or preterm births. Having been through one miscarriage myself and three preterm births with my sister, I know there is nothing more devastating than losing a baby you've desperately wanted, or watching your baby fight for his or her life from day one. I also know how hard a preterm birth is on the baby. The consequences are devastating, and many are permanently debilitating. Right now, I cannot imagine taking that risk for my child. Nor can SS.

Obviously, we're not making any final decisions until all results are in and we've had some time to process and think things through, but unless the risk is reduced significantly as test results roll in, we will not be seeking further treatment. We will, of course, look into adoption if that is the case. But after nine years, our conception journey is most likely at an end.

That's overwhelming on so many levels.

We went in today knowing there were obstacles and pregnancy might not be an option, but we were so hopeful there would be some treatment options left on the table. Coming to terms with the fact that getting pregnant and carrying to term may be improbable if not altogether impossible is going to take some time. We've both wanted to have children and go through the whole pregnancy experience for so long. This new reality isn't a comfortable one for either of us. And accepting it isn't going to be particularly comfortable either.

But we now know where we stand. And we can decide where we go from here. Once we know, we'll share that as well. For now, however, I think it's time to take a step back and breathe. We've been hit from all sides these last few weeks, and we're both exhausted.

Thank you for all the prayers.

xoxo,

Ayden

PS: Boo struggled with surgery yesterday, which confirmed the vet's opinion that she's not a candidate for surgery or chemo to treat the cancer. She is doing well now, but she really struggled hard yesterday. The vet is undecided if he'll do the next surgery or not as a result.

Ali did great with his surgery. Unfortunately he does have feline leukemia. What that will mean for him going forward will depend on how he handles the disease, but more than likely, his life span has been severely reduced. 

Bad News, Baby.

Some days, I think the Universe is challenging me. Today is one of those days. 

SS, Razi, Odin, and Ali

We've had a run of shitty news with the animals lately. First, there was Ali. And then Circuit. On Sunday night, our eldest had an episode. She started coughing, then vomiting, then wheezing so badly she couldn't breathe. We snatched her up and rushed to the after hours vet. The vet told us she had a collapsed trachea, fluid on the lungs, and one of the chambers of one lung didn't seem to be filling with air (but she wasn't positive on the last). She recommended we take Boo to our regular vet this week. 

Boo is 12 years old as I mentioned before, so we've been preparing for health problems with her. It's inevitable in any living creature that ages. So... I took her in to the vet today. He studied her X-Rays from Sunday and the various other tests that were done, and doesn't think she has a collapsed trachea. She has a couple abscessed teeth at the very back of her mouth that have caused an infection. Her WBC was 20,000, which is pretty high. He wants her to go in for surgery first thing Monday morning to remove the abscessed teeth and any others that are beginning to decay. 

That's the good news. The bad news is that she has mammary cancer. I told SS a couple of months ago that I thought something was wrong when she got two open sores on a breast. At the time, the vet told us to treat it at home and if it didn't improve in a couple of days, to bring her in. Well, the sores healed perfectly, so no one was really concerned. When he took a look at her today, however, he said she definitely has cancer in all of her mammary glands. He was pretty confident that it hasn't metastasized. But because of her age, he's not going to recommend chemo/radiation for her.

Boo and Razi

When she heals from the dental surgery, he wants to go in and remove her uterus which will lower hormone levels and slow the spread of the cancer. If all goes as planned, he thinks she has another two to three years left in her. If the cancer grows faster, she has maybe a year.

I'm heartbroken. We just got SS well. My grandma just won her battle with cancer. Ali may have an immune disorder. Circuit just had surgery. And now Boo has cancer. It freaking sucks. We take one step forward, and two back.

We're looking at a $700 or $800 vet bill on Monday. And another $300 for the next surgery. And the vet highly recommends we go ahead and bring Razi in ASAP because her risk of this same cancer is really high, which is going to set us back another $200. We've also spent another $600 on the cats and Boo's visit Sunday night. If Ali does have an immune disorder, we're looking at another few hundred dollars there too. We've just gotten back on our feet financially after SS's illness. All these vet bills have wiped us out all over again. 

So I don't know where that leave us where Bringing Home Baby is concerned. Everything we had to go toward treatment now has to go elsewhere. And we're running out of time. I'm only thirty, but we have birth defects, preterm births, and genetic problems in the family. I have the neuro issues to contend with. If SS and I want to have children, it really is now or never. Because who knows what next year will bring? At thirty five, the risks climb higher and higher.

Circuit

I'm not bitter about getting Boo (or Ali) treatment. I'm not even bitter about adopting Circuit and what that's cost us financially. You don't take care of a family member when it's convenient, and neglect them when it's not. And the animals are very much a part of our family. Even Circuit. Obviously, we're going to do what we have to do to make sure they're healthy, no matter what. So that's not the issue here.

I'm sad Boo needs treatment at all. And I'm frustrated that our family keeps getting hit with this crap over and over again. And I feel like the Universe is doing its worst to make us prove we're ready to be parents and won't throw in the towel with the going gets tough. Rationally I know that's not the case. People and animals get sick. It's life.

But a break would be nice.

For as long as I've been an adult, I've worked two or three jobs at a time. I spent 7 years working two jobs, going to school full time, and writing/volunteering in my spare time. SS works just as hard as I do. We've never expected anything to be handed to us, and we've earned what we have through sheer perseverance and hard work. We don't spend a lot of money on frivolous crap. Our bills always come first. We donate to charity whenever we can. We volunteer frequently. And just when we get to a place where we're ready for kids... all hell breaks loose.

Really, Universe? Really?!

Ugh. 

We're planning to keep our appointment with the RE on Tuesday to see what our options are and what we're looking at financially. Maybe it'll all work out and all this worry is for nothing. Hell, maybe my publisher and the world will love Ravished and it'll sell a billion copies. I don't know. And that's my problem. I don't know what's going to happen, and it's overwhelming.

So if you have a few prayers or positive thoughts in you, I'd appreciate them. For Boo. For Ali. And for our dreams of parenthood.

And if you have a few dollars to spare... please consider picking up one of my novels. You can find them (and purchase links) here. I can pretty much promise you, your purchase will help this author fulfill that dream of bringing home baby.

xoxo, 

Ayden 

Jayme update!

Month 1, 5dpo.

I did ovulate this month, and hopefully swimmers have done their job. If not, change of plans. No matter how much I wish I could detach from myself, I absolutely cannot BD with someone I'm not interested in a relationship with. DD is a nice guy, but I have zero mental or physical attraction to him in a romantic kind of way. I'm just not the woman who can, with a clear conscience, sleep with someone I have no interest in ever being with.

I will be good to go on insurance here in 2 weeks, when my coverage starts. I'll be visiting an Obgyn and getting a referral for an RE. I plan to look into known donor via IUI. Its certainly not the most pricy option, and I don't have to sleep with anyone. Ayden found out for me that using donor sperm only adds a little bit to the bill, so that is also looking like a possible option.

I'm going to keep using my herbs if this month didn't take to regulate my cycle and work on bettering my nutrition and fitness while I further work out my plan. 2 weeks (and finishing my 2ww to boot) will give me plenty of time to work on some of my habits.

I did get a new car, so Monday morning it is job search day. I'm so ready! Gotta get that moving and IUI money.

I wish I had more to post, but these are all my updates for now!

A semen analysis... from a woman's perspective

Today was "the day". Analysis time!

Let me preface this by saying, I had no idea what to expect at an appointment for a semen analysis, while thinking I knew what to expect, and it was exactly as awkward as it sounds.

When we got there, we checked in, then hung around in the waiting room for a few minutes, chatting about the various things we'd done during the course of our day. The lab guy (or I'm assuming he was the lab guy... he never introduced himself) came out in full uniform to get us... lab coat, booties, face mask, paper hat... to show us to the room. We followed him back in silence (maybe guys don't like to talk while going to a semen analysis?) and he led us into this room.

For some reason, I had this picture in my head that a semen analysis room would be comfortable. Maybe not woman standard comfortable, but maybe a lovely picture on the wall (there were pictures, but they were this boring cream color), a little fragrance in the air... something.

It was not like that at all. It was a small room with a toilet, a sink, a little table to hold all the specimen cups, a black loveseat, a footstool, and a rack full of porn magazine. Oh. There was also a sign on the wall asking about testosterone usage. And a clip board and some pens.

The nameless lab coat guy ushered us in, pulled out a specimen cup, told SS to read the sheet, follow the instructions, and leave the cup and the sheet in the room when he was done and go check out. Results would be provided by the doctor at our next appointment (which sucks because that's an entire two weeks, and I'm going to explode from worry well before then). That was the extent of what he said to us. Maybe guys really do prefer not to talk to other dudes when getting ready to ejaculate into a cup said other guy is going to have to carry to the lab to be examined? I don't know, but it was awkward as hell.

SS agreed.

Which made the entire thing a lot more nerve wracking than it probably should have been, but whatever. We're on a mission to parenthood, and if a little awkward masturbation is what'll get us there (sorry, guys, no BJs allowed during a semen analysis), then awkward masturbation it is.

So he followed the instructions (which were to use the bathroom, clean up, no BJs, creams, or gels allowed, put your name on the cup, and put the lid on immediately after sample is collected), and got down to business without the porno magazines.

I'd just like to say here that I have no problems with him looking at porn if he feels inclined to do so, but I was rather relieved he didn't flip through the magazines simply because I'm a crazy germaphobe who is dying to wash my hands as soon as I finish shaking yours, and all I could think was, "OMG, how many dudes have touched their junk while flipping through these magazine?" If you're familiar with the male masturbation technique, you know that when the arm is tired, a lot of guys have learned to become switch hitters... which means they just switch to the other and continue on with business (and apparently there are others who can only use one arm... I ask a lot of questions. It's a thing.)... which means those magazines were getting a lot of play... just like in the waiting room at a doctor's office, but with more male parts and fluids involved. Which isn't really important to this recap, but I thought about this while we were in there doing the deed and it freaked me out a little to think about how much action those magazines have seen, so I figured I'd share the knowledge.

Anyway, we collected the sample (because that sounds so much less awkward, right?!), tidied up, and headed out to check out. We saw no one until we got to the desk, then the lady told us we were good to go, and we left, relieved it was over, and really hoping the little old lady on the elevator with us didn't ask us any questions (which she didn't).

Now we wait impatiently for our next appointment to find out how everything looks.

Once outside, he kissed me, we hugged, then he walked me to my car and we went back to work because we're adults, and that's what working adults do after a semen analysis (since post-specimen, public cuddling apparently hasn't become a thing yet).

I was really proud of him for not flipping out because I decided as soon as I walked into the room that there's no way in hell I'd have been able to "provide a specimen" in there. I'm a girl. We want pretty pictures and candles and creature comforts to do our thing or we're not coming out to play, so to speak. Apparently men don't need those things, or just don't want to request those things. I don't know that either.

 So... it was all kinds of awkward, and I'll never complain again about guys not needing pap smears. Okay, so that's probably a lie because at least guys don't have someone all up in their junk while they give a sample. We have cold metal stirrups, and doctors asking us questions while they examine our lady bits, and ultrasound machines, and all sorts of unpleasant crap that's way worse than masturbating into a cup in a sterile room with a toilet and a sink and used porn mags. But whatever. My point is... it was exactly what you'd expect while being nothing like you expect.

It's done now though. We're moving on to those cold metal stirrups. Yay... I think?!

xoxo,

Ayden