Let me preface this by saying, I had no idea what to expect at an appointment for a semen analysis, while thinking I knew what to expect, and it was exactly as awkward as it sounds.
When we got there, we checked in, then hung around in the waiting room for a few minutes, chatting about the various things we'd done during the course of our day. The lab guy (or I'm assuming he was the lab guy... he never introduced himself) came out in full uniform to get us... lab coat, booties, face mask, paper hat... to show us to the room. We followed him back in silence (maybe guys don't like to talk while going to a semen analysis?) and he led us into this room.
For some reason, I had this picture in my head that a semen analysis room would be comfortable. Maybe not woman standard comfortable, but maybe a lovely picture on the wall (there were pictures, but they were this boring cream color), a little fragrance in the air... something.
It was not like that at all. It was a small room with a toilet, a sink, a little table to hold all the specimen cups, a black loveseat, a footstool, and a rack full of porn magazine. Oh. There was also a sign on the wall asking about testosterone usage. And a clip board and some pens.
The nameless lab coat guy ushered us in, pulled out a specimen cup, told SS to read the sheet, follow the instructions, and leave the cup and the sheet in the room when he was done and go check out. Results would be provided by the doctor at our next appointment (which sucks because that's an entire two weeks, and I'm going to explode from worry well before then). That was the extent of what he said to us. Maybe guys really do prefer not to talk to other dudes when getting ready to ejaculate into a cup said other guy is going to have to carry to the lab to be examined? I don't know, but it was awkward as hell.
SS agreed.
Which made the entire thing a lot more nerve wracking than it probably should have been, but whatever. We're on a mission to parenthood, and if a little awkward masturbation is what'll get us there (sorry, guys, no BJs allowed during a semen analysis), then awkward masturbation it is.
So he followed the instructions (which were to use the bathroom, clean up, no BJs, creams, or gels allowed, put your name on the cup, and put the lid on immediately after sample is collected), and got down to business without the porno magazines.
I'd just like to say here that I have no problems with him looking at porn if he feels inclined to do so, but I was rather relieved he didn't flip through the magazines simply because I'm a crazy germaphobe who is dying to wash my hands as soon as I finish shaking yours, and all I could think was, "OMG, how many dudes have touched their junk while flipping through these magazine?" If you're familiar with the male masturbation technique, you know that when the arm is tired, a lot of guys have learned to become switch hitters... which means they just switch to the other and continue on with business (and apparently there are others who can only use one arm... I ask a lot of questions. It's a thing.)... which means those magazines were getting a lot of play... just like in the waiting room at a doctor's office, but with more male parts and fluids involved. Which isn't really important to this recap, but I thought about this while we were in there doing the deed and it freaked me out a little to think about how much action those magazines have seen, so I figured I'd share the knowledge.
Anyway, we collected the sample (because that sounds so much less awkward, right?!), tidied up, and headed out to check out. We saw no one until we got to the desk, then the lady told us we were good to go, and we left, relieved it was over, and really hoping the little old lady on the elevator with us didn't ask us any questions (which she didn't).
Now we wait impatiently for our next appointment to find out how everything looks.
Once outside, he kissed me, we hugged, then he walked me to my car and we went back to work because we're adults, and that's what working adults do after a semen analysis (since post-specimen, public cuddling apparently hasn't become a thing yet).
I was really proud of him for not flipping out because I decided as soon as I walked into the room that there's no way in hell I'd have been able to "provide a specimen" in there. I'm a girl. We want pretty pictures and candles and creature comforts to do our thing or we're not coming out to play, so to speak. Apparently men don't need those things, or just don't want to request those things. I don't know that either.
So... it was all kinds of awkward, and I'll never complain again about guys not needing pap smears. Okay, so that's probably a lie because at least guys don't have someone all up in their junk while they give a sample. We have cold metal stirrups, and doctors asking us questions while they examine our lady bits, and ultrasound machines, and all sorts of unpleasant crap that's way worse than masturbating into a cup in a sterile room with a toilet and a sink and used porn mags. But whatever. My point is... it was exactly what you'd expect while being nothing like you expect.
It's done now though. We're moving on to those cold metal stirrups. Yay... I think?!
xoxo,
Ayden
I always thought collecting the semen samples in the lab was awkward. We'd have guys come in, we'd have to explain all the rules to them, told them they could use our bathroom if they wanted (come on, we were in the hospital, we didn't have any nice bathrooms), and told them we absolutely positively needed the sample within an hour of collection, so they shouldn't go too far away to collect it.
ReplyDeleteI always had a difficult time putting on my medical objectivity hat then. I can do genital exams with nary a wink, but explaining a semen sample collection is far more awkward.