*Huge sigh of relief*

And we have lift off! Last night around 7pm AF made her much needed appearance. I'm on CD#2 and though a little crampy from the long wait, very happy to see progress. I've started charting and DD is also aware of said progress. I can't wait to start trying! Ayden and I are only 4 or 5 days apart with AF so we can endure that awful 2ww together. Its so great to have this kind of support.

Not only is AF here, but finances are starting to look much better too. MUCH better. I'll have a car in about 2 weeks and then employment can be once again acquired. Its time to start updating that resume! I had to whammo stress relievers occur in the same day, I'm still waiting for the catch. Hopefully there isn't one, but that doesn't keep me from keeping my eyes open. Bad habit, I know.

I know this probably sounds extremely silly, but taking a netflix binge in of my favorite teen drama has really been a comfort. Go ahead and laugh, but Dawson's Creek was a religion for me back in the day. Its just a reminder of how simple life was, and how powerful dreaming is. I forgot to dream for a very long time. Its not the adorably over thought adolescent dialogue, its just the trip back in time to who I was during that part of my life. I guess I'm trying to be kinder to myself and give myself license for a do over. Not just in TTC, but in dreaming about my life as a whole.

One thing I have to say to those who are on a similar journey: don't stop dreaming. Don't give up what your heart desires more than anything because some might think you're crazy for doing it. Also, don't make it a job. Yes, I'm utilizing DD, but because I chose a trusted friend I'm able to have more fun in the process. I'm not even speaking of the physical, I'm speaking of feeling more laid back and comfortable in my choice a little freer to let go of worry. There is no part of ttc with PCOS that isn't at least a little stressful. I'm going into my 3^rd act and who knows how much longer I have before my fertility as it already stands gets even worse. I can't worry about that. I have to just go with my hearts desires and try. If I don't try I'll never know.

I'm not sure how many other single ttc moms are out there reading this, but I know someone who needs it is going to see it. Don't let them break you. Don't let the judgment count more than the support system you have. If its only one person who supports you, then that one outweighs however many naysayers you encounter. If your heart desires to be a mom, do it. Nobody gets a vote. You and you alone are going to support and care for your child, so your opinion of your own decisions is all that matters. Its all you can allow to matter.

I've found that my closest friends are even more amazing than I anticipated about this. I also have found that some aren't as OK with it as they once let on. That is perfectly OK with me. Typically those who judge you are just terrified that anyone could be that brave. They are scared of anyone who thinks for themselves. Think for yourself on this one. Its your body, your baby. Don't let saboteurs get the best of you. I actually came to realize one that I thought was of my most supportive was trying to undo things behind my back with part of this process. I was mad for all of 3 seconds and realized they failed. My independence is too strong for them to fathom. I have so many standing tall beside me, that person's feeble attempts to keep me below themselves doesn't matter.

Why we're going the herbal infertility treatment route first

Jayme recently posted about the various herbs and supplements that are useful when trying to conceive, and I thought now would be a good time to talk a little about why SS and I are going the herbal route first and what that involves for us.


Last year, SS got really sick and underwent two surgeries and has been on a lot of really harsh medications. He won't finish treatment for the blastomycosis until late March or early April. With that being the case, we felt it was better to wait to start all the infertility diagnostic testing until he's completed his current treatment plan. We don't know that the medications will interfere with any testing, but it's better safe than sorry.

That said, since he doesn't finish treatment for several more months, we decided we'd start with some of the herbal supplements and vitamins out there while we wait. If we conceive this way, then yay! We won't need to visit the RE to talk options. And if we don't conceive this way, at least we'll be making positive strides toward addressing some of the issues we face.

With PCOS, my body makes too much estrogen and androgens (ie: testosterone) and not enough progesterone (P4). The result is a hormonal imbalance that contributes to infertility. When we visit the RE in a couple of months, they'll likely want to prescribe something to help get things in balance. If herbal supplements can begin sorting things out before we go see him, why not give it a try?

Low P4 can cause all kinds of havoc in addition to infertility. A drop in P4 levels during pregnancy can cause a miscarriage. Since we already know I have low P4 and have miscarried before, we want to make sure we've covered the P4 base as best we can from the word go. 

In that vein, I'm using a paraben free progesterone cream twice a day, for two weeks each cycle. One of the great things about progesterone cream is that it's natural progesterone, whereas any progesterone therapy the RE can prescribe would be synthetic. I much prefer the natural stuff! It's safer and there are fewer chemicals involved. I use the cream twice a day for the 2 weeks leading up to my menstrual cycle, 1/4 teaspoon each time on a soft tissue area like my throat, inner arms or thighs, etc. If you plan on taking it, aim for a paraben free version that clearly states it has at least 500mg USP progesterone per ounce. If it doesn't have USP, it's not really progesterone. And if it doesn't have enough, it's not going to be particularly useful.

I'm also taking 540 mg daily of Black Cohosh, which helps regulate the menstrual cycle and can help with menstrual pain. With the PCOS, I sometimes have the absolute worst cramps. They radiate down my thighs and can be incredibly severe. If black cohosh can help ease them and get my menstrual cycle from 45 days to 28-30, I'd be crazy not to give it a try!

I also take 960mg daily of Red Raspberry Leaf (RRL), which helps strengthen and tone the uterus and can aid in implantation. RRL also lengthens the luteal phase. A typical luteal phase, or the period of time between day 1 of your menstrual cycle and ovulation, is between 10 to 16 days. Women who have shorter luteal phases struggle to become pregnant as the lining of the uterus isn't able to grow like it should to support a healthy pregnancy. RRL shouldn't be taken while pregnant, however, as there is a possibility it can lead to miscarriage.

Finally, SS and I both take 2000mg daily of Maca root. Maca root is full of vitamins and minerals... over 60 phytonutrients and 30 minerals. It affects the endocrine system by stimulating the pituitary gland, the hypothalamus and the thyroid. Maca can help balance hormones by lowering excess levels of hormones and stimulating the production of hormones that aren't high enough. It can also increase energy, improve sperm motility/mobility, and increase sexual drive. I've been taking it for about 2 weeks now, and I already feel more alert and energetic. My libido is also starting to kick into a higher gear. I'm perfectly okay with that! :)

Every woman of childbearing age should also take a prenatal (or a folic acid supplement at the very least) whether or not they are trying to conceive. A lack of folic acid can cause birth defects. More often than not with a birth defect like spina bifida, the issue occurs incredibly early in the pregnancy, often before a woman even knows she is pregnant. With that being the case, waiting for a BFP before starting a prenatal isn't a safe bet, especially for those who have a higher risk of birth defects. My nephew has spina bifida and a suspected genetic abnormality, so as soon as SS and I decided we were ready to really start trying again, I picked up a prenatal with DHA and started taking it. All of that said... women with the MTHFR mutation will want to talk with a doctor before taking a folic acid supplement, as folic acid supplements can be less than helpful in those cases.  
 
I haven't started Vitex (chaste berry) yet, but I do have it on hand to try if the black cohosh doesn't pan out. Like the black cohosh, Vitex helps regulate the menstrual cycle. And, like maca, helps balance hormones. Since I'm already on black cohosh and maca, I don't feel a pressing need to add the Vitex to the mix just yet, but plan to swap the black cohosh out for Vitex during the next cycle. Black cohosh shouldn't be used long term, and I just think it'd be better to take the Vitex and get both benefits than the black cohosh and get the one.

At the end of the day, we don't know if any of these supplements will help us conceive, but they're safe, inexpensive, have been shown to be beneficial, and we already know our traditional treatment options will be limited because of the stroke risk that comes with the brain lesions, so it just makes sense to try this avenue before we head to the RE in a couple of months. At the very least, we'll know we've done everything we could do on our own to get pregnant. And that peace of mind is incredibly important to both of us, particularly since I miscarried while on prescribed fertility medication. Anything we can do to avoid a repeat of that devastating scenario is a must for both of us. 

xoxo,

Ayden

It's my party, I can cry if I want to.

I've never really been big on birthdays, but I have to admit I never thought turning thirty would be so difficult. Not because I didn't want to turn thirty, I did!

I've been the "baby" at virtually every job ever, so I've been all kinds of excited about finally hitting that number where people stop referring to me as a baby and start referring to me as a damned adult. I'm leagues away from those folks in their early twenties who have a job to bankroll their partying, but somehow, those of us in the late twenties are always painted with that same "young and dumb" brush, regardless of how much we've accomplished or how responsible we are. It's annoying. So I've been excited about hitting that magic number where I'm no longer pigeon-holed because I just so happen to be in the same decade as kids in college.

But turning thirty today didn't go at all how I envisioned it going.

I figured I'd survive the day at work, come home and snuggle on the couch with SS while we watched a movie. A low key, stress free, drama free kind of day.

Ha!

I woke up this morning to find SS hunched over the toilet bowl. He's caught the stomach virus that's making the rounds. Not a good start to the morning. And then my dang car wouldn't start. I finally made it to the meeting 2 hours away, only for the meeting host to be MIA. We waited around for a good twenty minutes before she finally showed up. As I said before, I'm the "baby" at work. Most of my coworkers are fifteen, twenty years older than I am. So you'd think we could make it through a meeting with no drama, right?

Double ha!

It was nothing but drama from the word go.

Then I started feeling sick to my stomach, so the 2 hour ride home was rough.

When I finally got home, I breathed a sigh of relief that I could just chill out for the rest of the evening.

And then a friend who hasn't ever wanted kids told me she's pregnant.

I wanted to be happy for her. Part of me is happy for her.

The other part though... well, that part can't help but wonder why people who don't want kids are blessed with them, while so many of us who walk through hell trying to have a baby... can't. And please don't tell me that God has a plan or he knows what he's doing or anything else meant to comfort. At the risk of becoming repetitive, saying things like that to us isn't helpful or comforting or anything remotely close.

I just don't get it.

And I didn't expect to hear that news from a friend on an already difficult day. It made me realize that our baby should have been turning eight this month. Instead, here I am, turning thirty without having ever held our baby or been pregnant since. That bowled me over.

I'm left feeling sad and angry.

I should be proud of myself today. I accomplished so much in my twenties, more than I ever thought I'd accomplish in ten years. Hell, more than many accomplish in their entire lives. I should be celebrating this day and the triumphs and successes and even the failures that got me to this far. I shouldn't be feeling sad or bitter today. But I do. I didn't expect that.

I know tomorrow will be different, because I'm not the kind of person that lets myself wallow, but so far? Being thirty sucks, and I wasn't prepared for that.

-Ayden
 

Do I get karma points for this?

This waiting game is getting old. I'm on provera day 4, still nothing. I don't know how long its supposed to take for this stuff to work. I've heard some women say it works during the 10 day cycle that you take it, others say it takes several days after you're done with the last pill. I just know I'm ready to start REALLY trying and I'm getting annoyed with my body. I know not stressing seems like the answer, but that is super hard when the one thing that needs to happen just isn't happening. Ayden, DD, and my other friends are keeping me positive. I'm not asking for much here, at least I don't think I am. Everyone who it works for talks about how bad it made them feel, but I'm not feeling any difference at all. I know losing weight is going to help. I'm trying to get my head in the right place for it. Stress isn't going to help with that either though. Hell stress is what makes me want to eat and do nothing.

I'm about done with my first term in school. So far I'm ending the term with A's, we'll keep seeing what happens. As long as I pass I'll be fine. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself about it. I'm just doing the best I can and working my butt off. I'm just ready to move onto some classes that have more substance to them.

Still waiting on school money, waiting on my other W2's for taxes. I'll have a car soon and then I can really get this stuff under way. I'm also waiting on medicaid to come through. I hope to be able to upgrade to actual insurance in the coming months, but for the moment that'll be a huge help. I'll have more than enough money to get a car and last til I find a job I just need things to hurry up! This waiting game better rack me up some major karma points, cus I'm playing against my will.

I feel like my frustration with all this is making me the hardest person to have a conversation with. I'm tired of hearing it myself, I'm sure my friends have about had it. I'm getting equally as disgusted with myself for not being more proactive with my weight. I have a habit of getting just all around discouraged with it and giving up. I gotta work on that. I KNOW it'll make a difference. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I guess I'm just tired of fighting it but I know I can't give up or I'll never get anywhere. I gotta get some of this weight off to have a healthy baby. I gotta do it for my baby, even before I have them. I can even continue losing while pregnant as overweight as I am right now, I just have to get myself going again. 

Part of my problem is my living quarters. I really don't have the space, even outside my house. We live on a dead end private drive off of a main road with no sidewalks. Getting a car is going to help in this too! I'm not sure if I'm joining a gym or just hitting the park or both, but dammit I'm doing something! I do know I gotta make the best of what I have right now though (thanks kitty for putting a slow leak in my balance ball btw...)

I know this all sounds like a bunch of ranting. It is. I'm a ball of nerves right now waiting for my body to make sense.

The Cost of Fertility Treatment, Adoption, Surrogacy, and Raising Children

Infertility can be an incredibly expensive venture for those trying to conceive. While a health insurance policy may cover some expenses, that's not always the case.

Personally speaking, my insurance policy will cover the diagnosis of infertility but it will not cover any sort of fertility treatment. Which means that the RE will be able to bill insurance for specific tests like diagnostic lab work and tests (ultrasounds, etc), but when it comes time to begin treatment itself, SS and I are on our own financially.

I've been asked several times about various procedures or possibilities, and it seems as if most have no idea of just how expense and/or time consuming infertility can be. No one can be blamed for not knowing, especially when the costs associated with treatment or adoption/surrogacy aren't often made public.

Fertility clinics rarely publish the costs associated with using their clinics for a given procedure, in part because it's impossible to ball park how much one might spend since it can vary widely from person to person based upon individual factors like condition, availability of eggs/sperm, etc. Another part of why they may not make that information easily accessible is because it can be daunting and prevent individuals or couples from seeking their services when listed costs may not be reflective of what that individual or couple can expect.

Below you'll find a general break down of what one can reasonably expect to spend. It's by no means complete, and may not be reflective of what any given individual may experience because, again, it can vary widely.

Adoption - Adoption is often suggested as an alternative for infertile couples by others, but the reality is that adoption can be incredibly expensive itself. If adopting through a private non-profit or an attorney, one can expect to spend anywhere between $10,000 and $30,000. Adoption via a foster program is often much less expensive (generally less than $1,500), but can be even more rigorous and time consuming than using a non-profit. Even with a private non-profit, one may wait for years before being chosen as adoptive parents. With a foster program, there is no guarantee that an infant will ever be placed with you. In short, there is not such thing as "just adopting". It's an exhaustive, expensive process that can take years.

Surrogacy - Like adoption, surrogacy is often suggested as an alternative for infertile couples who want to become parents. But surrogacy is even more expensive than adoption! When using your own sperm/eggs, one can reasonably expect to pay up to $100,000 for a surrogate. If using donor eggs, sperm, or embryos, one can expect to pay up to $120,000. In states where surrogates cannot be paid, one might expect to spend $50,000 to $75,000 for a surrogate. And if one were to go directly to a surrogate instead of an agency, the cost might be nearer $30,000. Not exactly a feasible option for many infertile couples, particularly in states where the rules surrounding surrogacy are hazy. I've heard horror stories about surrogates who didn't take care of themselves to the detriment of the child or who made medical choices for the child not approved by the couple. While most surrogates are  amazing women who make the self-less decision to help another, the risks are overwhelming.

Fertility Drugs - Fertility drugs, such as metformin and clomid, are one of the cheapest fertility treatments available, costing anywhere from a few dollars to a few hundred dollars per cycle. The total cost, of course, depends on the type of drug and the length of use. Herbal supplements, for instance, are lower cost than traditional medications, but may not be as effective. Traditional medications may not do the trick either. And some can lead to a higher risk of miscarriage.

IVF/In Vitro - IVF can cost anywhere from $10,000 to $25,000 a cycle. the American Society for Reproductive Medicine estimates the typical cost at a little over $12,000 per cycle, and the typical woman under age 40 can reasonably expect to undergo 3 IVF cycles before achieving a viable pregnancy. Even on the low end... that's an easy $30,000!

IUI/Artificial Insemination - A typical IUI cycle costs between $300 and $700, according to RESOLVE. When medications, monitoring, and related costs are included, one can expect to spend anywhere from $1,000 to $3,500 per cycle. If donor sperm is used, the cost increases.

Compared to surrogacy and adoption, attempting to overcome infertility is often the most affordable option. In places where there are few fertility clinics, the costs are often higher, just as they are in places with a higher cost of living. In Arkansas, the cost of living isn't horrible, but we have only 2 clinics in my area. One has less than average success rates for IVF (43% success rate... one should aim for a clinic with at least a 50% or higher success rate), and I can't find that information on the other (which is a red flag to me). Given the unlikelihood of being cleared for IVF and the success rates around here, SS and I are looking into an IUI. If we do get the green light to try IVF at some point, we'll do it elsewhere.

I'm thankful that SS and I are in a financial position where we can afford some treatment for a while. But I've heard a lot of people suggest to others that if one can't afford IVF, surrogacy or adoption, etc, then they shouldn't be trying to conceive because they can't afford a baby. That's just an ignorant statement to make!

The average cost of raising a child, according to the USDA, is $241,000 for 18 years and includes things like housing, transporation, etc. If split evenly between all 18 years, that's $13,333 a year. Most people don't have an extra $30,000 just sitting there at any given time for IVF or adoption, but an average of $13,333 spread out over the course of a year? That's a whole lot easier. Being rich isn't a requirement for parenting. Being financially responsible is... And there is a vast difference between the two.

On a related note, there's no guarantee that one can afford a child even if he or she can afford fertility treatment right now. Job losses, illnesses, tragedies, economic distress, etc can strike anyone, at any time. By the time my nephew was a year old, for instance, his medical costs alone were close to $1,000,000. Yes, you did just count six zeroes. His medical costs alone were close to one million dollars. How many making even $100,000 a year would be prepared to shoulder those costs alone? None, of course! So it's just plain silly to judge anyone else for making the best financial choices they can make for themselves in regard to treatment choices or child-rearing.

For more information on the costs associated with infertility, check out RESOLVE's section on the topic.

xoxo,

Ayden

 

*Statistics listed here are taken from personal experience, the US. Dept. of Agriculture, the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, RESOLVE, Adopt.org, and this article on surrogacy.

TTC Tools, Herbal supplements, and prescription meds

There are many tools, herbal supplements, and prescription medications available that can assist in your attempts to conceive. The ones listed are ones we've tried, are trying, or are going to try. If you have used any of these with success please leave comments below and tell us about your experience with them!

TTC tools:

Fertile Focus Microscope- used to track saliva texture and patterns to pinpoint ovulation

BBT Thermometer- Used to chart basal body temperature for pinpointing ovulation (I personally use the thermometer and microscope)

OPK (ovulation predictor kits): Ovulation predictor kits come in a form that looks a lot like a pregnancy test.  They can tell you when your body is about to ovulate or is ovulating.   They can be bought with a monitor(which is often quite pricey), as sticks (think a urine pregnancy test you pee on), or as strips. The strips are what I purchased. You collect your urine in a clean cup (dixie cups meant for shots are perfect and disposable) and follow package instructions. Unlike a pregnancy test a line is not a line. It has to match the control line for you to be ovulating.

Pregnancy tests: Many TTC women are familiar with the term POAS, or pee on a stick.  You can buy these at a drugstore, or online. If you go for the strips (like the ovulation ones I described), you can buy large bulks of them for a very reasonable price. These are the exact same ones they use in your doctor's office. 

Herbal  Supplements:

­Dong Qui root- used to force AF. Dong Qui has a funny name, but it is used to nourish the blood. It causes a woman to have a cycle according to my readings. I'm about to try this one myself.

Maca Root- Used to encourage ovulation in women and sperm count and motility in men

Prenatal vitamins- a vitamin formulated to help prepare your body before pregnancy, and sustain a healthy pregnancy. Many women continue taking it after because dammit, it just makes your hair so pretty. (Available in pill, capsule, and even yummy gummy form!) If you take absolutely nothing else for pregnancy or to prepare, take some prenatals.

Pregnitude- A supplement containing folic acid and myo-inositol. Folic acid is crucial for having a healthy baby. It promotes new cell growth. (also means good hair for the yet to be preggers). Myo-inositol is a naturally occurring substance in the human body, it is a B vitamin. It helps spontaneous ovulation and kinda just tells the body what it should do. It also assists in correcting insulin resistance. Myo-inositol helps with hair loss, acne, and anovulation often associated with PCOS. I could write a whole article about it, but quite frankly, PCOS Diva did it for me.

Progersterone cream- Used to balance hormones by applying to the skin. Progesterone is naturally produced by the body, but most PCOS women do not produce enough. Its often used in PCOS women, menopausal women, and anyone who has trouble with their LP(luteal phase). Often suggested to continue use during the entire pregnancy, but should be consulted by your doctor of course.

Vitex- Chaste Tree is used to help regulate menstral cycles in women. It helps with the natural production of progesterone. Not to be taken while pregnant or nursing, but helpful while trying to concieve or to regulate cycles otherwise.

Fertilaid (or other off brand names of the same mixture, often just called fertility blend for women. There is one for men as well.) The blend I use contains Vitamins E, B6, B12, folic acid, iron, magnesium, Zinc, selenium, green tea, and vitex(a smaller amount than you take in its own form). Its a great balance of the right things to prepare your body for pregnancy. Many women with mild infertility can take this alone and conceive.

Magnesium- Helps stop preterm labor, helps with menstrual cramping.  If you are PCOS or other possible high risk it is an important one to be aware of!

Co-Q 10- It is said that this vitamin supplement helps with the strength and production of egg follicles
.

Red Raspberry leaves(yes the leaves from red raspberries)- used for many many ailments, but for this specific use its for regulating your period. It can also known for easing menstrual pain, nausea during pregnancy, and wait for it.... DELIVERY PAIN! If pregnant be careful not to take too much and talk to your doctor about safe amounts during pregnancy.

RX:

Metformin- Metformin is a diabetes drug used to regulate insulin resistance. For lack of a better word, if you have insulin related PCOS, your uterus is, in a way, diabetic. Metformin helps reduce weight, and has been found to assist the body to return to its normal ovulation and menstrual cycle.

Clomiphene(Aka Clomid)- Clomid is often prescribed in no more than 6 month cycles by your doctor to force ovulation.

Provera- Provera is prescribed to bring on a menstrual cycle.

A Progress Report and a Mini-Rant

I've been intending to write this little update since last weekend, but haven't had a chance. Between sick nephews and our lovely internet connectivity issues, I haven't done much updating anywhere! But let's put that behind us and move on. :)

Last Friday, SS saw his pulmonologist. They did the lung function test, and a CT Scan to see how his lungs look now that he's been on itraconazole for the last several months to try to kill the blastomycosis. His lung function is about 60% of what it should be, which isn't great. But it's a heck of a lot better than it was even four months ago, so there has definitely been some improvement. He'll be on an inhaler for a while to help him breathe a little easier, and it may improve with time, but they don't know. There is still some damage to his right lung, and the pulmonologist thinks it will probably be permanent. The good news is that it's not as extensive as we feared, so he will not have any more of his lung removed. YAY!

On Tuesday, he had his physical with his primary doctor, which he passed. While there, he requested a referral to the RE so insurance will pay for the SA. Let me just preface this next bit by saying that I've always liked this doctor. He's done a great job helping to coordinate SS's care over the last six months, and has really taken the time to get to know SS and make sure that he has what he needs to beat this darn blastomycosis for good. BUT, he really said something on Tuesday that infuriated me.

He told SS he didn't see a need to refer him to the RE for the SA because infertility is usually a woman's problem and it's rare that there are issues with the man. He then said that if I check out okay, he'll write the referral.

Yeah... I'm not happy.

We know SS has some concerns with fertility and needs to have the SA before we start talking treatment or anything. As a teen, he grew faster than his body produced hormones, so he had to take testosterone shots to keep things in balance. Without it, we run the risk of spending thousands on treatments that won't work. That doesn't make any sense.

We also know I won't "check out okay" because I do have PCOS and a history of PID that came from God only knows where (no one knows how I got it... possibly from the surgery to remove a cyst). So agreeing to refer to the RE only if I check out doesn't make any sense either. When people are dealing with infertility, you refer to a doctor who can examine the entire situation, and then treat. Not one that will address half the problem and ignore the other half. Simple enough, right?

Third, infertility is NOT a woman's problem and it really pissed me off that Dr. Felton said something so inordinately stupid. Infertility in men is NOT rare. In fact, one third of the time, infertility comes from the woman's side. One third of the time it comes from the man. And the rest of the time it comes from a combination of both or is for unknown reasons. If you prefer percentages, it breaks down like this: 33.3% of the time, the issue rests with the woman, 33.3% of the time, it rests with the man. The other 33.3% of the time, it come from both.

I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he didn't mean it to sound like that, but after obsessing over this for the last several days... I can't think of what the hell else the man could have meant with such a thoughtless, ignorant statement. So... I'm just irritated in general with him right now and we will not be seeing him for anything related to this journey. He clearly knows nothing about infertility, and I'm not putting my faith in someone I can't trust.

We're going to ask the RE to request a referral from him. If he won't do it, we'll either switch SS's doctor or will pay for the testing out of pocket. Either way, I refuse to let this get us down or set us back. And I'm stubborn, so dude has no clue what he's going to have to deal with if he doesn't get on board.

But enough on that...

SS went to see his Infectious Diseases doctor (no, he isn't contagious in any way... but blastomycosis is a brutal infection) today. He got good news there as well. The infection is pretty much completely gone! SS will continue the itraconazole until March. At that point, he'll go back to the ID doctor, and if everything still looks good, he'll consider him free and clear. Double YAY!

I cannot wait until we get that final thumbs up. I'm not saying I won't still worry every single time SS walks outside since we have no clue where he was exposed to this crap, but it'll be a relief to know that he's finally as healed as they can get him. It's been a rough six months. I'm looking forward to it finally being over so we can move on to bringing home Baby G. :)

xoxo,

Ayden

Full of feels....

PCOS has a way of making you feel completely defective. I'm a WOMAN. I should not have to wish for a period. I'm going to the store to get some things to make a cycle stimulant (I'll share if it works for me), but this shouldn't be something I have to do. I shouldn't feel so broken. My uterus is defective. Why can't I exchange it for one that works? Kinda like if you buy a defective DVD player, you take it back to the store and get a new one. Where is the uterus store and who takes care of exchanges? I'll even pay a higher price than everyone else as long as it works!

As a woman, from the time we're 10 years old we're told how to not get pregnant. They never tell you that for some of us, that is exactly the opposite of the information we will be needing. As a young teenager I dreamed of having babies as soon as I was a legal adult and figured I'd have all of the kids I wanted by now. Hell, I thought by 29 I'd be considering a second batch of babies. It didn't work out that way for me. I see friends' kids starting school, growing up. I feel so far behind from where I wanted to be. I know I can't compare my life to anyone elses', because my circumstances were way different than most people that I know. I didn't have a kid at a young age, yet I was for all intents and purposes a teen parent, or at the very least a full time unpaid nanny.

I guess I'm having one of those whoa is me days. I don't really feel any worse for myself than I do for any other woman in this boat, but damn some days I want to ball up and cry and never move. I know I'm not alone in these feelings. That helps on one hand, but on the other it makes me feel worse for getting down about it when I know there are other women going through it too. I have some really amazing friends keeping my spirits up, and I'm so thankful for them. I can't really talk to my own mother about it. Not because she doesn't care, but because she won't quite understand. She did eventually have cystic ovaries, but she had us first. She already had all the kids she wanted and her tubes tied before her issues perked up. My grandma would understand, but she's not here. She had 5 children, but she also had 4 miscarriages and a still born along the way. Why were my sisters able to get pregnant at 17 and yet here I am 29 and still no baby? How is that fair?

I know I'm not wealthy. I know I'm not perfect. I know I'll make plenty of mistakes along the way. Dammit, I'll do everything in my power to be a good mom though. I have a pretty great teacher in my own, I know this is the one thing I could get right. Somehow, the one thing I've wanted more than anything is the one thing that seems so out of reach. Nothing hurts more than seeing all the new babies on my news feed. I have a bin full of baby clothes, bottles, a bottle warmer, and even a full can of formula. Ok so I get the free samples of formula for stray animals in need, but this one is unopened and good til 2016, I'd like to get to use it for a human baby! Hellloooo out there, universe! I guess part of me hopes if I show the universe how very ready I am then the universe will break and let me try. I know that's not how it works, but I'm not ready to give up hope just yet.

I'm prepared for the judgment. I know there are going to be plenty of people, even of those who are currently rooting for me, who all of a sudden think me having a child on my own is a bad idea. I do think there are some sitting there nodding and smiling until I actually have that illusive announcement to make, and then they'll disappear into the night. I'm ok with that. I know the true blues who will still be there, and they are the only ones who matter. Please, I really need some encouragement today. I've been waiting for my herbal fertility aides to start kicking in and they feel like they are taking forever. I try to keep myself busy, but thats going to still be hard to do for at least another few weeks until I get another car. Its probably more like a month, but saying 4 or 5 weeks feels shorter.

I seriously wish for everyone to have a DD like the one I've found. He's so encouraging and positive. I know not every SMC is going to choose the same route I have, but for those who do I wish you the same peaceful communication with them that I've had. Its so nice for the DD to also be a friend you can truly trust. It makes it feel much less lonely. Thing is, lonely doesn't bother me much. This just happens to be better.

I swear the FedEx and UPS guys are starting to recognize me. I've ordered so many aides and vitamins (OK, and a few outfits for work purposes), I think they may start stopping at my house daily just to make sure I'm alive if I go too long without an order. I think they've been here at least twice a week since November. Each of them. Yep. You should see my credit card bill, and 95% of it is fertility related. What? My leggings are fertility related. I'm gonna need comfy stuff when this actually works. That’s my story and I'm sticking to it.

Love,

Jayme

Infertility isn't going away just because we don't talk about it.

I had a long conversation with a good friend this morning about my infertility journey. I mentioned we wanted to get SS cleared with his doctors' during a flurry of upcoming appointments so we could visit the RE and start focusing on having babies.

When I mentioned it, she said, "You know, I've never heard you talk about why you don't have kids before."

And she's right. In the almost three years we've been friends, I've never discussed the details of our journey.

I rarely ever talk about our infertility journey period. When people ask if we have kids, I simply say no. If they prompt for more, I usually find some way to dodge the conversation… we've been focused on helping take care of my nephew… we'll cross that bridge eventually… we're thinking about adoption… I just finished my education… I just started my career… While these are all true on some level, they're not the whole truth.

The whole truth has always been too personal. Too close. Too real. And most people who ask didn't  sign up for that much reality. They don't want to know that we've wanted children for years or cried our hearts out more times than I care to count. They don't want to know that I miscarried and spent weeks completely devastated. That I haven't been allowed to do IVF because it could kill me.

Just utter the words, "I can’t have kids." and see how fast conversation stops. Watch the half-horrified, awkward expressions. The uncomfortable shifting. The grasping for something to say.

We've all been conditioned to believe that fertility is one of those subjects one just doesn't open up about in polite company. In a world where most women can't even tell you where the hymen is located or name the various parts of their vaginas, getting into the nitty gritty of infertility is just too much. So when someone does bring it up, infertile folks are offered some platitude intended to make us feel better and hurry the conversation along to safer topics.

"A friend of a friend thought she couldn't have kids, then she got pregnant."

"You're still young. There's plenty of time."

"It'll happen for you. Don't worry."

 

Those platitudes fall far too short. They're unintentionally hurtful as hell, so we just don't put ourselves in a position to hear them. We continue to protect ourselves at the expense of making a very real subject a taboo.

 

I mean, no one really asks why you can't have kids or what infertility entails for any given woman suffering through it because the conversation doesn't make it that far. And that isn't because people don't care. It's simply that people don't know what to say to us, or how to act toward us.

For those who've never been there, it's hard to imagine not being able to have a child no matter how hard you try. Having kids is supposed to be natural and normal. We're taught that we grow up, and have kids with no massive effort on our parts. Our bodies are designed to have babies and it just happens. Simple.

 

When it doesn't work that way for someone… it's hard to imagine why not. It's hard to grasp that infertility might be permanent. That, just because Jane Doe overcame infertility doesn't mean Tina Doe can. It's hard to put yourself in those shoes when you don't really understand what wearing those shoes entails.

For those who have been there and now have children, it's just as difficult a subject. Those who have been there genuinely hope those who are currently there will overcome infertility. They genuinely believe that they are a walking, talking testament to the fact that all hope is not lost. And, sometimes, they genuinely don't want to relive the heartbreak they experienced, especially with someone they aren't particularly close to.

For those of us still there… well, we're just tired of hearing those platitudes. Tired of the uncomfortable shifting. The awkward, sympathetic pats. The unhelpful advice. So… we gloss over the subject to spare everyone a conversation no one really wants to have.

 

But not talking about infertility doesn't make it go away.

So those living with infertility look to one another for solace and become partners in arms. We celebrate every victory and mourn every setback or negative test together. Because who else is going to understand the complete devastation that comes after your 50^th pregnancy test says negative? Who else is going to understand your excitement when your basal body temp spikes? Or when you ovulate? Or, yes, even when Aunt Flo actually shows up on time for once?

If you haven't been there, it's hard to relate to someone in that place or to even understand what it's like to be in that place, so we've stopped trying.

And the cycle of not talking continues and everyone suffers.

I think that's unfortunate. Infertility shouldn't be something we're afraid to talk about because no one understands. It shouldn't be something we feel like we go through alone, or something we can only talk about to our other infertile friends. And that's part of why I decided to start blogging about a journey I haven't really talked about in nine years.

Because if I don't open up about it, I'm giving in to the idea that infertility should be a silent ailment that ends conversations instead of starting them. I'm perpetuating the belief that infertility is something to be whispered about but never addressed head on. We have too much of that in society already. We don't talk about things that make us uncomfortable because they make us uncomfortable. But maybe if we talked about them more, we wouldn't be so afraid of those things. And those lovely women and men dealing with those whispered-about-ailments wouldn't feel so alone.

In a world of billions, it's a damn shame anyone should feel as if they're completely alone, isolated by a condition they didn't ask for and would give anything to change if they could.

So why are we running from the conversation instead of meeting it head on?

 

When my friend today asked why I've never talk about it, I told her the truth. "I don't talk about it because I hate the things people say to me when I bring it up."

That's a sad truth. One I don't want to have to tell.So today, instead of glossing over the conversation with her,  I instead explained a little bit of what my husband and I have gone through trying to conceive. I didn't sugar coat it. I told her the ugly truth. And when I walked away, I felt lighter. Because, even though she'd never been there and couldn't really relate, she didn't offer me platitudes. She didn't get uncomfortable. We had a genuine conversation about a real issue in my life. And it was perfectly okay to do so. In fact, it was better than okay.

It was a learning experience for both of us.

 

I don't know when I'll have that type of conversation with someone else, and I can't force anyone else to have that conversation either. But what I can do is share my journey, and hope it helps, because at the end of the day, not talking about infertility should be a choice and not something that feels like a soul-sucking necessity.

 

Like I said earlier, it's not going to go away if we don't talk about it. So what do we really have to lose?

 

xoxo,

Ayden

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Choices, fears, and dreams

I've been told that “you're so strong for doing this alone”, “I don't know how you're going to handle this by yourself”, “I can't imagine going through this alone, what you're doing is amazing”. The true story here, I'm terrified. I'm terrified of finding out I missed my chance, I'm terrified of getting pregnant and not staying that way. I've miscarried twice in the past. Both times within the first 5 or 6 weeks. I'm terrified of all the what ifs and hows and whys. More than anything I'm terrified of going through all of this, and ending up a crazy cat lady. I'm not terrified of doing it alone though. I have some of the best friends and family that anyone in my situation could ask for. The support from people I didn't even think would care has been just absolutely life affirming.

I know there are still people out there who have so much doubt in me. I've not been the most successful human up to this point. I've tried things and failed more times than I care to think about. The cool thing about me though, I always regroup and try again. Always. Its hard enough to keep my own self doubt at bay, I'm done worrying about anyone else's opinion of what I choose to do in my life. I'm choosing happiness.

I made my choice to be a single mom. I have also made my choice to do so with the help of a natural donor. I thought long and hard about my options, and how my heart felt about each one. I had even single mother community members try to sway me away from the NI method, but I think thats mostly because those particular people frown upon others doing things differently from themselves. Also, if you are considering this route for yourself; theres a lot of legalities involved that you have to consider the risks of. I've known him for 3 years and I've never seen him be less than honest. For the sake of simplifying things, from here on out he'll be referred to as DD for “donor dad”.

DD and I have been talking a lot today and I feel like I made the right decision on going with one that I'm familiar with. I've turned into a very modest person over the last few years. I'm just not comfortable with my DD being someone I've only known a few days or even a few weeks. I'm even less comfortable with the men who were willing to submit their donations. For a moment there I started questioning my sexual preference. Just... ew...

Thanks to Obamacare I actually will have insurance sometime in the next month, so I'm looking forward to really getting started. Insurance does not cover fertility treatments, but it will allow me normal obgyn visits more often so I can find a referral to a good RE in the area. I'm hoping I can get this kick started beforehand, but if not they can find me something to force AF to make her not so graceful entrance. I can't do anything until then.

What Ayden said! Waiting is the absolute worst! Right now I'm waiting on AF, waiting on some meds, waiting on a vehicle, waiting on school money to come in so I can get the car, waiting on tax time. I'm just waiting. I feel like my herbals are helping make me feel like AF might be on her way, but I'm not sure. I certainly can't start trying until AF gets here, and with PCOS its so hard to know when that is. I had it under control for a few years, then I gained some weight back and its been a little later each time the last few cycles, and now its been gone for months. I really hope this metformin helps. I even thought I might be pregnant for a while there just because I'd been regular or so close to regular for so long and then nothing. Nope. No such luck. Stupid PCOS. I've explained the complicated process to DD and he's all in.

I'm such a nerd. I even already bought one boy and one girl outfit to add to my small stash of baby things. It just helps give me hope. I look at those little jumpers and it reminds me on the bad days of how much I want this and why I'm doing what I'm doing. I don't even care if all these fertility aides give me twins or more. I'd be over the moon. I have to be realistic in knowing that because of the complicated details of PCOS, I may wind up with a child born early or with issues. Obviously I'd prefer for my baby's sake that everything is normal and healthy, but even if I do wind up with a child with special needs; there will be no end to my love. I already love my children, I just need to hold their tiny, warm, soft little body in my arms finally.

For the record, I do hope this post makes sense! HAHA!

Love,

Jayme

The Waiting Game Freak-Out

SS and I have been preparing for his appointment with the pulmonologist on Friday. Basically, we're going in so they can put him through the paces, see where his lung function is now, what his damaged lung looks like, and decide if it's going to be okay or if they need to take out more of the damaged part to make life easier for him. We're both nervous.

He's so hopeful the lung will be fine and we can commence with getting pregnant. It's cute. He has a thousand different questions again.

What if the infertility is my fault?

Can we name our baby after Dr. Who?
How long does IUI take? IVF? Adoption?
Why do so many infertility treatments start with "I" anyway?
Do babies have to poop before they come home?
OMG! Babies eat poop in the womb?!
Can we have a Star Trek baby shower?

I love how excited he is, and I hate to put the damper on his excitement by reminding him how painful this journey has been for us. I love that he hasn't lost hope, and that he's eager to try again. But I don't want him to get ahead of himself either, and then be completely devastated if we don't get pregnant right away, or if he has to undergo more surgery first.

I'm praying that won't be the case and we can close this chapter of our lives and really get started on baby making. But I'm also terrified.

Not that we won't get pregnant, but that we will and I'll miscarry again.

My little sister's kids were all preemies, each coming earlier than the last. I miscarried. My older sister had her own issues. So did my mom. It's scary to feel like so much is stacked against you. And given our history, I'm trying to prepare for the fact that this is going to be a tough journey. Hell, after nine years, I don't think it just magically happens all the sudden.

In fact, I kind of want to throat punch anyone who advises me to "be patient and it'll happen when it's your time." or "God knows what he's doing." That's the worst thing anyone can say to someone dealing with infertility issues. It's not helpful. It's, frankly, a little stupid. Ask anyone dealing with infertility and they will tell you that sometimes, it just doesn't happen naturally. Sometimes, our bodies don't let it happen like it should.

I don't think God went down the line like, "Well, looks like this one ought to wait until she's 40 to have a child." And I'm also pretty certain patience has nothing to do with it. We've been patient, or as patient as possible for nine years. So has every other woman, man, or couple dealing with infertility.

Giving us crappy, cop-out advice like that serves to do nothing but trivialize an incredibly painful experience. Especially for someone who has lost a pregnancy or child. Don't say it to us. Don't think it at us. Just don't, okay?

It's not helpful.

But back to what I was saying...

I'm terrified we'll have another miscarriage so having SS so excited so soon is freaking me out a little. I feel bad for not being as excited as he is, but all the little what ifs keep running through my mind. It's hard to silence those. It'll help to talk to the RE, to the neurosurgeon, and the various other medical professionals who will inevitably be involved in this journey to see what exactly we're looking at here.

I'm a perfectionist. I thrive on details and plans and knowing absolutely everything about everything. I'm good at it. I'm chill when I know what's happening, when it's happening, and how it's happening. SS understands. He's had a lifetime to get used to my neurotic perfectionist tendencies. And he knows how much I want kids. But, yeah. Until we get to that point where we can make a plan... I'll just be over here, freaking out.

xoxo,

Ayden

 

 

 

 

 

Jayme's fertility Journey: Taking the road less traveled

When most little girls were planning their dream weddings to their Prince Charming, I was playing house in the form of single mommy to my baby dolls. Of course I always wanted to find that one special guy, but it was never as important to me as becoming a mother. Its what I know. My parents divorced when I was two and as long as I can remember it's always been my mother, my sister, and myself (and my nephew who came along in 1998). I sincerely don't think I'd know how to let someone be a father if their values veered too far away from my own. I'll never give up on love, but for now the love I seek is in a much purer, sweeter, unconditional form. I seek to truly know the love of mother to a child.

When I was going on 14 my nephew was born, I was in the room. He was the most amazing thing I ever saw. The second he cried, so did I. Sixteen short months later we lost his beautiful mother, my big sister, to an abusive boyfriend of her's. For the last fourteen years my mother and I have raised this wonderful boy, me staying home with him for the first thirteen of those years. He's my light. I look at him and know life is beautiful no matter what disasters lie ahead. We've had a lot of disasters.

At age 19 I was told that I have PCOS. Because of my co-writer here, I actually knew what that meant. I took that as them telling me I'd never have kids. Nothing makes you want something more than being told you can't have it. I got into a relationship that would last 3 years, and very quickly in started trying to no avail for pretty much the entire duration of the relationship. I stayed for the sake of trying to have a baby, only to end up abused. From the end of that relationship until now, I've known that the likelihood was I would end up a single mom. I've never had a problem with that idea, but for a long time I was concerned with what people would say if I started OUT trying to be a single mom.

For the next few years I jumped from one relationship to the next trying to find someone who wanted to have kids, and wanted them yesterday. I knew I was fooling myself, and I knew that most of my attempts would be in vain. I wanted to have that picture perfect family, the one you see on TV. The one you see on black and white TV, to be more specific. Truthfully, I just thought that's what men wanted so I went with it as long as I got to keep trying for a baby.

I wound up with some abusive nut jobs. I played step mommy more times than my heart could take, because as soon as the relationships turned violent I had to leave. I stayed with people longer than I should've for the sake of their children because I fell so deeply in love with a sweet little face needing me to take care of them. The one I highlight most specifically here, I actually moved away to Tennessee to be with. I broke my own heart by leaving my mom and nephew (who was 11 at the time) to go be with someone who ended up trying to kill me. Lesson learned. I came home. Now what?

If you end up a single mom from a divorce or breakup, nobody really judges that. What happens when you decide for yourself that being a single mom is what is best for you, and you have no intentions of marrying or committing to anyone for the sake of having a baby? What if instead you are willing to find donor sperm, be it artificial or natural insemination, and go forth without an active father? On purpose, nonetheless. I guess we'll find out.

I'm Jayme. I'm 29, turning 30 in September. I have PCOS and am currently taking some herbal enhancements to try to conceive a baby. I probably have more fertility knowledge than most RE's, and have learned I know more about pregnancy than most people who've ever been pregnant. Every new baby my friends have makes my heart break, especially the ones closest to me. I hate the way that makes me feel. We're talking about people I'd stand in front of a bullet for. I should be over the moon for their happiness. I am, but on the inside I'm dying to know that feeling.

I found  my donor in a very dear friend, whom I trust whole-heartedly with this process. He knows how much I want to be a mother, and has seen me in action with his former step children for whom I was a live in babysitter for a while. He knows how much I want it, and knows that I'll never keep him away and never ask for a dime. He's giving me the one thing that will make my life complete. I am going to be forever grateful to him for this selfless act.

For the last 4 years I've been working on my resume, complete with going back to school in the last few months. I've saved some money, worked on my credit. As of this publication I'm working on getting a new vehicle, but after that its back to saving for my own place (shit happens). I'm moving in the spring to a new city, and will get to be closer to my sister in arms, Ayden.

I met Fay in the 8^th grade. Along with her sister, we were a hot mess. We had so much fun, and caused our principal so many headaches. Our lives are night and day now, but there's nobody I'd rather share this journey with. She gets me. She keeps me in check, and still reminds me to dream as big as my heart can handle. I have a tendency to get discouraged, so then she kicks me in the butt and tells me I can do it.

Welcome to our journey, its going to be a beautiful ride.

Love,

Jayme

The Future isn't Guaranteed: Ayden's Journey Trying to Conceive



My name is Fallon, but most people call me Ayden.

 

I was barely sixteen months old when my little sister was born... too young to remember how I felt when my parents brought her home. But my mom loves to tell me how excited I was to have a new little sister to play with. Come time to breastfeed her, mom says I would run to my room, grab a baby doll, and mimic her every move.

I can't say that I wanted to be a mother even then, but for as far back as I can remember, I've known I wanted kids of my own some day. In fact, I had my future all figured out by the time I was in middle school. I'd graduate from high school, go to college (or become a hippy), and marry my childhood sweetheart. We'd then have six kids and live in bliss.

Most of my dreams have come true. But the six kids part hasn't been nearly as easy to make reality.

At fourteen, I began experiencing severe migraines. After numerous tests and hospitalizations we learned I had a lesion behind my right eye. No one seemed to know what caused the lesion, or what we might expect from it.

My neurologist put me on a regimen of different medications in the hopes of easing the migraines and various other symptoms. Shortly after we seemed to get a handle on those, we began to notice that my menstrual cycles were becoming increasingly irregular. When my period came at all, I'd be in so much pain, I couldn't move. So my mom dragged me back to the doctor.

My PAP-smear was abnormal. They thought I had uterine cancer. Within days, I underwent my first surgery. We found out later that I didn't have cancer, but the rest of my teen years were a blur of neurology visits, gyno visits, migraines, irregular periods, and a slew of medications to help with both.

At eighteen, I underwent my second surgery. This time, I had a cyst the size of a softball on my ovary. At that point, my gynecologist informed me that I had PCOS and cautioned that getting pregnant might be a challenge. I didn't plan to have kids right then, so he put me on the Depo-Provera shot to help ease the menstrual pain.

Two years later, my childhood sweetheart (SS) and I were married. I stopped taking the Depo shot in preparation for the day we decided we were ready. A year later, we decided it was time to start working on bringing home Baby #1. We visited with a new gynecologist who reviewed my history. After more tests, he diagnosed me with PID of unknown origin.

Even though the brain lesion was gone, the neurologist refused to clear me for IVF because of the stroke risk, so they put me on Metformin and Clomid.

After the first round, by some miracle, I became pregnant.

SS and I were over the moon, making plans. Our first baby was growing in my belly and we were going to be the best parents ever. 

A month later, I miscarried.

Our hearts were absolutely shattered.

They shattered again when, eight short days after my gynecologist confirmed the miscarriage, my little sister gave birth to her second son. He was three and a half months early and had very serious medical complications. We spent months by his side at the hospital while he fought for his life.

At that point, my husband and I decided to take a break from fertility treatment. I couldn't take any more heart break, not while my sister and my sweet nephew needed me.

For the next four years, we devoted our time and energy to helping my sister care for her tiny little miracle as he battled for his life. You can read his story here.

I went to college and then to grad school. I volunteered faithfully.

My husband worked his way up the totem pole at work.

We never used protection, and we never became pregnant.

In late 2009, we decided we were ready to try fertility treatment again. We researched everything we could about IVF, and were making plans to visit a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) when I got sick.

The migraines were more intense than ever before, and they wouldn't go away. For days on end, my head hurt nonstop. When I fell in the living room one day, my husband had enough and dragged me to the emergency room. They called the staff neurosurgeon to discuss my history, and he informed them he wanted to see me first thing the next morning.

He was waiting for us when his clinic opened. By the time I left his office two hours later, he'd scheduled me for a battery of tests he wanted done before the week was out.

After a lumbar puncture and a MRI/MRV, he called me back into his office to inform me they'd found another brain lesion, in the corpus callosum this time. He warned me that they thought I might have Multiple Sclerosis.

We spent days waiting for further test results. When they came, we learned that I, thankfully, didn't have MS. But once again, they didn't know why I got lesions like this, what to do to prevent another one from forming, or what to expect in the future.

They had no choice but to treat me symptomatically. We had to get the migraines under control before they caused me to have a stroke or caused brain damage in and of themselves. And my life was being seriously impacted by the other neuro issues.

I began an entirely new regimen of medications.

My heart broke all over again when my neurosurgeon told me the risk for IVF was just too high for him to clear me. We'd had so much hope, and suddenly it was gone.

On top of that, the side effects from the medications were incredibly difficult to handle. I was so confused, I parked in the middle of the road the first time I drove. My husband took my keys. I hallucinated the strangest things. My nightmares were worse than ever. I had allergic reactions left and right. I was depressed. Angry. Devastated.

I pulled away from my friends, unwilling to burden them with my grief. And I did grieve. I felt like all the medication had killed the person I was, and I didn't know how to get her back with my mind clouded with drugs that wreaked havoc on my cognitive function.

I poured myself into writing, my books becoming the babies I felt I wasn't allowed to have. I churned out completed manuscript after complete manuscript, refusing to let the brain lesion and medication take writing from me too. My family convinced me to seek publication.

When they wouldn't stop pushing, I reluctantly agreed. Three months later, I had my first contract offer. Things started looking up.

My teenage cousin came to live with us for a while. I focused on being her mom.

When she left and my heart broke all over again, I stood facing that same dark hole I'd been wallowing in since falling ill. I hated that I'd kept myself there for so long, so I began pulling myself out, determined not to be the person that just gives up when things get tough. 

I finished my graduate degree. I began working as a social worker. I forged new friendships. Published two novels. We moved into our dream home. I bought my dream car. We adopted a cat and a dog to join our little family. Took vacations when we wanted.

We were in a good place after years of uncertainty.

And then my husband fell ill.

He had a horrible cough and began losing weight rapidly. Despite my badgering, he refused to see a doctor. And then he started coughing up blood. His doctor told him to go straight to the emergency room. When we got there, they did an X-Ray, and then a parade of people entered the room, each asking a thousand different questions.

Had he traveled out of the country? Been exposed to asbestos? Done this? Been here? Traveled there?

No, no, no no, and no, we told them.

They told us they'd found a mass in his right lung.

My world tilted on its axis. I was terrified. I was angry. We'd gotten to a good place finally, and suddenly, the rug was pulled from beneath us. Worse, my best friend was sick and I couldn't help him as he underwent test after test. His doctor began preparing us for the worst. And then it came.

Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma in his lung and the lymph nodes in his chest.

We were discharged from the hospital in a cloud of fear just a few short hours after his doctors delivered that diagnosis. There was nothing they could do for him inpatient. He needed to see an oncologist and a pulmonologist.

We waited for our appointments for both. And when we got there, the world tilted again. The mass in his lung had doubled in size in two weeks. There was no way this was lymphoma. Once again, they began preparing us for the worse. Small cell lung cancer.

They sent us to see more specialists, who ordered more tests. All the while, he continued to get worse. He couldn't walk more than a few steps without gasping for air. He was pale all the time, gaunt. He barely ate. In a matter of months, he'd lost seventy-five pounds.

His medical team grew to include eight different specialists and his primary care doctor. While they debated what to do next, he became too sick to stay home.

We rushed him to the ER and they admitted him for the second time. His doctor decided to take him into the operating room the next day to remove several pieces of the mass to figure out what it was, and to try to prevent it from strangling the top of his lung. The mass covered the entire upper portion of his lung, killing it little by little. If they didn't figure out how to treat him soon, they weren't sure they'd be able to save his life.

He spent the next ten days in intensive care, slowly dying while his team did everything they could to figure out what was wrong. Finally, finally, they had a diagnosis. Pulmonary blastomycosis. A rare, severe fungal infection not indigenous to this area of the United States.

They began treating him, but the medication caused a severe allergic reaction. His doctor came in to talk to us, and told us they didn't have another option. Without that medication, he would die. So, we agreed to let him pump him full of various other medications to continue treatment. His kidneys began failing. But the mass in his lung began to shrink, too.

We made the decision to continue treatment.

His kidney function began to increase. He stabilized. His medical team slowly began to believe he'd survive this horrible infection.

He became well enough to come home with home health to continue treatment. Two weeks later, he switched medications. His kidney function returned to normal. He stopped losing weight, began eating more. The cough disappeared, and so did the blood.

As I write this, it's been four months since we almost lost him, and his health has continued to improve day by day. In less than a week, we go in for a check up to find out where we go from here.

We've had a lot of time to talk in the last four months. A lot of time to think, to evaluate, and to realize that we've walked through the fire, and we've both come out the other side a little healthier, and a little wiser.

We've also had a lot of time to discuss the future, and just as it always has, our vision of our future involves children. We don't want to keep waiting to bring our baby home, not when we both know intimately that the future isn't guaranteed for any of us.

We're both doing better health wise. We've completed our educations and settled into our careers. I will be 30 in 3 weeks and he is 33. Our home is ready for a baby. We're financially stable. There's no reason to keep waiting for the perfect time when, in reality, there is no such thing. We both know that intimately now, too.

So we've committed to getting pregnant in 2014. After SS's check up, we'll begin talking to an RE to evaluate our options. We both very much want to be pregnant and experience the entire crazy, beautiful journey. But if the risk is still deemed to be too great, we're prepared to begin the adoption process.  

I'll be sharing our journey to parenthood here, alongside one of my oldest and dearest friends, Jayme, who is taking that same journey herself. Our lives have taken us in different directions, but our hopes and dreams and love for one another have never changed. And I can't think of anyone I'd rather share this journey with than her. Infertility unites us, hope binds us, and motherhood waits for both of us. 

 

xoxo,

Ayden