Full of feels....

PCOS has a way of making you feel completely defective. I'm a WOMAN. I should not have to wish for a period. I'm going to the store to get some things to make a cycle stimulant (I'll share if it works for me), but this shouldn't be something I have to do. I shouldn't feel so broken. My uterus is defective. Why can't I exchange it for one that works? Kinda like if you buy a defective DVD player, you take it back to the store and get a new one. Where is the uterus store and who takes care of exchanges? I'll even pay a higher price than everyone else as long as it works!

As a woman, from the time we're 10 years old we're told how to not get pregnant. They never tell you that for some of us, that is exactly the opposite of the information we will be needing. As a young teenager I dreamed of having babies as soon as I was a legal adult and figured I'd have all of the kids I wanted by now. Hell, I thought by 29 I'd be considering a second batch of babies. It didn't work out that way for me. I see friends' kids starting school, growing up. I feel so far behind from where I wanted to be. I know I can't compare my life to anyone elses', because my circumstances were way different than most people that I know. I didn't have a kid at a young age, yet I was for all intents and purposes a teen parent, or at the very least a full time unpaid nanny.

I guess I'm having one of those whoa is me days. I don't really feel any worse for myself than I do for any other woman in this boat, but damn some days I want to ball up and cry and never move. I know I'm not alone in these feelings. That helps on one hand, but on the other it makes me feel worse for getting down about it when I know there are other women going through it too. I have some really amazing friends keeping my spirits up, and I'm so thankful for them. I can't really talk to my own mother about it. Not because she doesn't care, but because she won't quite understand. She did eventually have cystic ovaries, but she had us first. She already had all the kids she wanted and her tubes tied before her issues perked up. My grandma would understand, but she's not here. She had 5 children, but she also had 4 miscarriages and a still born along the way. Why were my sisters able to get pregnant at 17 and yet here I am 29 and still no baby? How is that fair?

I know I'm not wealthy. I know I'm not perfect. I know I'll make plenty of mistakes along the way. Dammit, I'll do everything in my power to be a good mom though. I have a pretty great teacher in my own, I know this is the one thing I could get right. Somehow, the one thing I've wanted more than anything is the one thing that seems so out of reach. Nothing hurts more than seeing all the new babies on my news feed. I have a bin full of baby clothes, bottles, a bottle warmer, and even a full can of formula. Ok so I get the free samples of formula for stray animals in need, but this one is unopened and good til 2016, I'd like to get to use it for a human baby! Hellloooo out there, universe! I guess part of me hopes if I show the universe how very ready I am then the universe will break and let me try. I know that's not how it works, but I'm not ready to give up hope just yet.

I'm prepared for the judgment. I know there are going to be plenty of people, even of those who are currently rooting for me, who all of a sudden think me having a child on my own is a bad idea. I do think there are some sitting there nodding and smiling until I actually have that illusive announcement to make, and then they'll disappear into the night. I'm ok with that. I know the true blues who will still be there, and they are the only ones who matter. Please, I really need some encouragement today. I've been waiting for my herbal fertility aides to start kicking in and they feel like they are taking forever. I try to keep myself busy, but thats going to still be hard to do for at least another few weeks until I get another car. Its probably more like a month, but saying 4 or 5 weeks feels shorter.

I seriously wish for everyone to have a DD like the one I've found. He's so encouraging and positive. I know not every SMC is going to choose the same route I have, but for those who do I wish you the same peaceful communication with them that I've had. Its so nice for the DD to also be a friend you can truly trust. It makes it feel much less lonely. Thing is, lonely doesn't bother me much. This just happens to be better.

I swear the FedEx and UPS guys are starting to recognize me. I've ordered so many aides and vitamins (OK, and a few outfits for work purposes), I think they may start stopping at my house daily just to make sure I'm alive if I go too long without an order. I think they've been here at least twice a week since November. Each of them. Yep. You should see my credit card bill, and 95% of it is fertility related. What? My leggings are fertility related. I'm gonna need comfy stuff when this actually works. That’s my story and I'm sticking to it.

Love,

Jayme