The Waiting Game Freak-Out

SS and I have been preparing for his appointment with the pulmonologist on Friday. Basically, we're going in so they can put him through the paces, see where his lung function is now, what his damaged lung looks like, and decide if it's going to be okay or if they need to take out more of the damaged part to make life easier for him. We're both nervous.

He's so hopeful the lung will be fine and we can commence with getting pregnant. It's cute. He has a thousand different questions again.

What if the infertility is my fault?

Can we name our baby after Dr. Who?
How long does IUI take? IVF? Adoption?
Why do so many infertility treatments start with "I" anyway?
Do babies have to poop before they come home?
OMG! Babies eat poop in the womb?!
Can we have a Star Trek baby shower?

I love how excited he is, and I hate to put the damper on his excitement by reminding him how painful this journey has been for us. I love that he hasn't lost hope, and that he's eager to try again. But I don't want him to get ahead of himself either, and then be completely devastated if we don't get pregnant right away, or if he has to undergo more surgery first.

I'm praying that won't be the case and we can close this chapter of our lives and really get started on baby making. But I'm also terrified.

Not that we won't get pregnant, but that we will and I'll miscarry again.

My little sister's kids were all preemies, each coming earlier than the last. I miscarried. My older sister had her own issues. So did my mom. It's scary to feel like so much is stacked against you. And given our history, I'm trying to prepare for the fact that this is going to be a tough journey. Hell, after nine years, I don't think it just magically happens all the sudden.

In fact, I kind of want to throat punch anyone who advises me to "be patient and it'll happen when it's your time." or "God knows what he's doing." That's the worst thing anyone can say to someone dealing with infertility issues. It's not helpful. It's, frankly, a little stupid. Ask anyone dealing with infertility and they will tell you that sometimes, it just doesn't happen naturally. Sometimes, our bodies don't let it happen like it should.

I don't think God went down the line like, "Well, looks like this one ought to wait until she's 40 to have a child." And I'm also pretty certain patience has nothing to do with it. We've been patient, or as patient as possible for nine years. So has every other woman, man, or couple dealing with infertility.

Giving us crappy, cop-out advice like that serves to do nothing but trivialize an incredibly painful experience. Especially for someone who has lost a pregnancy or child. Don't say it to us. Don't think it at us. Just don't, okay?

It's not helpful.

But back to what I was saying...

I'm terrified we'll have another miscarriage so having SS so excited so soon is freaking me out a little. I feel bad for not being as excited as he is, but all the little what ifs keep running through my mind. It's hard to silence those. It'll help to talk to the RE, to the neurosurgeon, and the various other medical professionals who will inevitably be involved in this journey to see what exactly we're looking at here.

I'm a perfectionist. I thrive on details and plans and knowing absolutely everything about everything. I'm good at it. I'm chill when I know what's happening, when it's happening, and how it's happening. SS understands. He's had a lifetime to get used to my neurotic perfectionist tendencies. And he knows how much I want kids. But, yeah. Until we get to that point where we can make a plan... I'll just be over here, freaking out.

xoxo,

Ayden