When most little girls were planning
their dream weddings to their Prince Charming, I was playing house in
the form of single mommy to my baby dolls. Of course I always wanted
to find that one special guy, but it was never as important to me as
becoming a mother. Its what I know. My parents divorced when I was
two and as long as I can remember it's always been my mother, my
sister, and myself (and my nephew who came along in 1998). I
sincerely don't think I'd know how to let someone be a father if
their values veered too far away from my own. I'll never give up on
love, but for now the love I seek is in a much purer, sweeter,
unconditional form. I seek to truly know the love of mother to a
child.
When I was going on 14 my nephew was
born, I was in the room. He was the most amazing thing I ever saw.
The second he cried, so did I. Sixteen short months later we lost his
beautiful mother, my big sister, to an abusive boyfriend of her's.
For the last fourteen years my mother and I have raised this
wonderful boy, me staying home with him for the first thirteen of
those years. He's my light. I look at him and know life is beautiful
no matter what disasters lie ahead. We've had a lot of disasters.
At age 19 I was told that I have PCOS.
Because of my co-writer here, I actually knew what that meant. I
took that as them telling me I'd never have kids. Nothing makes you
want something more than being told you can't have it. I got into a
relationship that would last 3 years, and very quickly in started
trying to no avail for pretty much the entire duration of the
relationship. I stayed for the sake of trying to have a baby, only
to end up abused. From the end of that relationship until now, I've
known that the likelihood was I would end up a single mom. I've never
had a problem with that idea, but for a long time I was concerned
with what people would say if I started OUT trying to be a single
mom.
For the next few years I jumped from
one relationship to the next trying to find someone who wanted to
have kids, and wanted them yesterday. I knew I was fooling myself,
and I knew that most of my attempts would be in vain. I wanted to
have that picture perfect family, the one you see on TV. The one you
see on black and white TV, to be more specific. Truthfully, I just
thought that's what men wanted so I went with it as long as I got to
keep trying for a baby.
I wound up with some abusive nut jobs.
I played step mommy more times than my heart could take, because as
soon as the relationships turned violent I had to leave. I stayed
with people longer than I should've for the sake of their children
because I fell so deeply in love with a sweet little face needing me
to take care of them. The one I highlight most specifically here, I
actually moved away to Tennessee to be with. I broke my own heart by
leaving my mom and nephew (who was 11 at the time) to go be with
someone who ended up trying to kill me. Lesson learned. I came home.
Now what?
If you end up a single mom from a
divorce or breakup, nobody really judges that. What happens when you
decide for yourself that being a single mom is what is best for you,
and you have no intentions of marrying or committing to anyone for
the sake of having a baby? What if instead you are willing to find
donor sperm, be it artificial or natural insemination, and go forth
without an active father? On purpose, nonetheless. I guess we'll find
out.
I'm Jayme. I'm 29, turning 30 in
September. I have PCOS and am currently taking some herbal
enhancements to try to conceive a baby. I probably have more
fertility knowledge than most RE's, and have learned I know more
about pregnancy than most people who've ever been pregnant. Every new
baby my friends have makes my heart break, especially the ones
closest to me. I hate the way that makes me feel. We're talking
about people I'd stand in front of a bullet for. I should be over the
moon for their happiness. I am, but on the inside I'm dying to know
that feeling.
I found my donor in a very dear friend, whom I trust whole-heartedly
with this process. He knows how much I want to be a mother, and has seen
me in action with his former step children for whom I was a live in
babysitter for a while. He knows how much I want it, and knows that I'll
never keep him away and never ask for a dime. He's giving me the one
thing that will make my life complete. I am going to be forever grateful
to him for this selfless act.
For the last 4 years I've been working
on my resume, complete with going back to school in the last few
months. I've saved some money, worked on my credit. As of this
publication I'm working on getting a new vehicle, but after that its
back to saving for my own place (shit happens). I'm moving in the
spring to a new city, and will get to be closer to my sister in arms,
Ayden.
I met Fay in the 8th grade.
Along with her sister, we were a hot mess. We had so much fun, and
caused our principal so many headaches. Our lives are night and day
now, but there's nobody I'd rather share this journey with. She gets
me. She keeps me in check, and still reminds me to dream as big as my
heart can handle. I have a tendency to get discouraged, so then she
kicks me in the butt and tells me I can do it.
Welcome to our journey, its going to be
a beautiful ride.
Love,
Jayme
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