I've
been told that “you're so strong for doing this alone”, “I
don't know how you're going to handle this by yourself”, “I can't
imagine going through this alone, what you're doing is amazing”.
The true story here, I'm terrified. I'm terrified of finding out I
missed my chance, I'm terrified of getting pregnant and not staying
that way. I've miscarried twice in the past. Both times within the
first 5 or 6 weeks. I'm terrified of all the what ifs and hows and
whys. More than anything I'm terrified of going through all of this,
and ending up a crazy cat lady. I'm not terrified of doing it alone
though. I have some of the best friends and family that anyone in my
situation could ask for. The support from people I didn't even think
would care has been just absolutely life affirming.
I know
there are still people out there who have so much doubt in me. I've
not been the most successful human up to this point. I've tried
things and failed more times than I care to think about. The cool
thing about me though, I always regroup and try again. Always. Its
hard enough to keep my own self doubt at bay, I'm done worrying about
anyone else's opinion of what I choose to do in my life. I'm
choosing happiness.
I made
my choice to be a single mom. I have also made my choice to do so
with the help of a natural donor. I thought long and hard about my
options, and how my heart felt about each one. I had even single
mother community members try to sway me away from the NI method, but
I think thats mostly because those particular people frown upon
others doing things differently from themselves. Also, if you are
considering this route for yourself; theres a lot of legalities
involved that you have to consider the risks of. I've known him for 3
years and I've never seen him be less than honest. For the sake of
simplifying things, from here on out he'll be referred to as DD for
“donor dad”.
DD and I have been talking a lot today
and I feel like I made the right decision on going with one that I'm
familiar with. I've turned into a very modest person over the last
few years. I'm just not comfortable with my DD being someone I've
only known a few days or even a few weeks. I'm even less comfortable
with the men who were willing to submit their donations. For a moment
there I started questioning my sexual preference. Just... ew...
Thanks to Obamacare I actually will
have insurance sometime in the next month, so I'm looking forward to
really getting started. Insurance does not cover fertility
treatments, but it will allow me normal obgyn visits more often so I
can find a referral to a good RE in the area. I'm hoping I can get
this kick started beforehand, but if not they can find me something
to force AF to make her not so graceful entrance. I can't do anything
until then.
What Ayden said! Waiting is the
absolute worst! Right now I'm waiting on AF, waiting on some meds,
waiting on a vehicle, waiting on school money to come in so I can get
the car, waiting on tax time. I'm just waiting. I feel like my
herbals are helping make me feel like AF might be on her way, but I'm
not sure. I certainly can't start trying until AF gets here, and
with PCOS its so hard to know
when that is. I had it under control for a few years, then I gained
some weight back and its been a little later each time the last few
cycles, and now its been gone for months. I really hope this
metformin helps. I even thought I might be pregnant for a while there
just because I'd been regular or so close to regular for so long and
then nothing. Nope. No such luck. Stupid PCOS. I've explained the
complicated process to DD and he's all in.
I'm
such a nerd. I even already bought one boy and one girl outfit to add
to my small stash of baby things. It just helps give me hope. I look
at those little jumpers and it reminds me on the bad days of how much
I want this and why I'm doing what I'm doing. I don't even care if
all these fertility aides give me twins or more. I'd be over the
moon. I have to be realistic in knowing that because of the
complicated details of PCOS, I may wind up with a child born early or
with issues. Obviously I'd prefer for my baby's sake that everything
is normal and healthy, but even if I do wind up with a child with
special needs; there will be no end to my love. I already love my
children, I just need to hold their tiny, warm, soft little body in
my arms finally.
For
the record, I do hope this post makes sense! HAHA!
Love,
Jayme
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